Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition
was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as
yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep
your name on file should an opening become available. So that you
may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please
allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from
the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at
McDonald’s reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the
truckload” indicates that you may be interested in me for something
other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions

about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants,

then you can’t GET into my pants.

___ Your “Putting on a few, aren’t you babe?” comment, given the
9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals
an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase “My Mother” has popped up far too often in
conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend’s name more than you mention
mine.

___ Three words: Size does matter.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]