21 A man is driving his five year old to a friends house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnt make it right, and I dont ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
22 On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Dont forget the coffee!”
23 I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
24 Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers wont help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
25 TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
26 A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “whats on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
27 A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
28 When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
29 A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
30 I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. Theyve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
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Posted in: Doctors Jokes, Funny Lists, Funny Quotes, Irish Jokes, Jews Jokes, Lawyers Jokes, Men Jokes, Religion Jokes, Saint Peter Jokes, Sex Jokes, Women Jokes
September 14th, 2008 at 3:53 am #1n0nly-albanian
a man gets on a plane,sitting next to him was a parrot.
when the plane took of an was in the air.the parrot wanted to drink something, so he calls the stewards that help on the plane,and he said”i want a fucking drink”, so the lady gets him a drink.next the man ask for a drink n he was all nice and polite he asks the lady for the a drink tooo.the lady said ok,it will only b a minute.afterwards the parrot wantedsomething to it,he was like”i want fucking this and fucking that”,the lady got him what he wanted,the man ask her wots it takin so long for his drink, the lady said to be paishent,the man waited but the drink neva came.so he started swearing to the lady.the lady said”thats it i had enough of both of you”,so the lady throwed both of them of da plane,the parrot said to the man”can u fly?”,the man was like”no”. the parrot replied”so why u chattin shit?”
December 30th, 2008 at 6:28 pm #sexy bum
they s*ck
April 21st, 2009 at 5:32 pm #Jackie
Those were quite amusing, I’ve heard better. I’m surprised the two people who commented before me understood even one of the jokes. Good for you!
June 17th, 2009 at 3:44 am #gayy
what a gayy c*nt jokes
July 8th, 2009 at 7:54 pm #Michael
There were a few there I hadn’t heard. It’s worth the time..;)
August 16th, 2009 at 12:09 am #Missy
LOL! I needed that : P Anyone would liked these jokes should read the one Watson and Holmes joke… LOVE it haha! Anyway. Thanks for these
September 17th, 2009 at 1:21 pm #JAMES
dis sh*t was lame i can tell a whole bunch of white folks wrote dis sh*t.
latin love
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:29 am #Antionette
dat was sick
October 26th, 2009 at 11:29 pm #not real name
what.. the.. fu ck. dude, DUDE, get a LIFFFEEEEEEEEEE.
December 4th, 2009 at 3:09 pm #Jim
People that use the words DIS and DAT, need to go back to Africa…or where ever you found your “Latin Love” Stupid ebonic douchebags. Learn to speak PROPER ENGLISH. You un-ed-jew-kated pieces of sh*t
December 7th, 2009 at 2:21 am #rob
fuck you jim, you worthless piece of scumbag spineless shit 4 brains
February 6th, 2010 at 7:09 pm #harveywallbanger
Shut the fuck up all of you. Just shut the fuck up.
Some classic jokes here.
If your to fucking dumb or impoverished to comprehend them then check the fuck out of balloon puppetry U and get a fucking education.
March 13th, 2010 at 6:54 am #mick
If we’re talking about education, ‘to fucking dumb’ is wrong you self-imposing knobjockey. Should be ‘too’.
March 18th, 2010 at 6:28 pm #Peter Mokhothu
If there are jokes in this world that are worse than this, I’d like 2 see them. I’m a person who admires miracles.
March 24th, 2010 at 9:56 pm #Meteorological Equipment
I’ve enjoyed reading this page, its wasn’t exactly what I started out to find, as I have been looking for reference material regarding pilot balloons when I saw your weblog site via Bing and google and this excellent blog snared my curiosity.
April 25th, 2010 at 3:56 pm #Does anybody remember laughter? - Relationships -Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - Page 14 - City-Data Forum
[...] Join Date: Aug 2009 5,692 posts, read 1,311,738 times Reputation: 5778 This thread is great!!! Hilarious stuff everyone. TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. ~Jerry Seinfeld[COLOR=blue ! important][COLOR=blue ! important][COLOR=blue ! important][/color][/color][/color] [...]
June 12th, 2010 at 2:20 pm #mousam
the name should be 100 CHUTIYA jokes of all tim
June 13th, 2010 at 7:28 pm #strykass911
I think the replies are as funny as the jokes. Thought I was still reading the jokes for a minute. Wow, reality IS the best comedy
July 1st, 2010 at 1:11 am #happy man:) (not gay:P)
I liked most of these jokes. I just wish people would do the following: 1. quit complaining about stuff you don’t like. If you don’t like it someone does, that’s kind of why it’s here. lol. and 2. that people who speak english, learn it properly. I admire that you’re at least attempting to speak it though. It’s a very hard language to learn, but I bet with a little practice you can master it.
July 1st, 2010 at 6:47 pm #asuul714
These are the best jokes I’ve seen on this site. I fail to see any reason to make racist, sexual, or insulting comments about how bad these jokes may seem; and sentences with four or five swear words in them are not going to make your arguments any more convincing. Also, stop correcting other people’s grammatical errors when you don’t know any grammar yourselves.
July 14th, 2010 at 1:44 am #Rob Elsewhere
Hey Moderator – delete the ignorant ramblings of the uneducated.
Hey “Morons wid ‘tude”, If you don’t like the jokes, move on. Why waste your time writing comments that nobody is going to find:
a. interesting
b. amusing
c. worth taking time to read
Oh, and guys….
… learn English.