A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a poisonous snake?
A: You can make a pet out of the snake.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.

Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

The reason law schools have been described as “a place for the accumulation of learning” is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out–and so knowledge accumulates.

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since
1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced. “I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.” “Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?” “No,” he answered. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question ‘yes’, was “why?”. Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it “Never got caught.”