Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!” Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Q: Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
A: Not if you are the groom.

Q: What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
A: Anything except ‘Tied to the Whipping Post’.

Q: How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
A: They’re the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Q: What is a wedding tragedy?
A: To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.

“My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.”

Q: How do most men define marriage?
A: A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful