The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

I love playing cards with children. They can’t tell you’re dealing off the bottom of the deck.

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar… Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man’s best friend is his dog. That’s assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week or two first.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.