It’s a dog eat dog world out there. And they’re short on napkins.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?