Encyclopedia of Humor

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we’ll go places!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: Who sends a thousand valentines cards signed’, guess who’ ?
A: A divorce lawyer.

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? 

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: What is a ram’s favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.

Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day, at a very smart jeweller’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.

The jeweller inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’

Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, ‘No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love’.’
The jeweller smiled and said, ‘Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.’

Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, ‘Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.’

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine’s Day.

‘Yes,’ came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, ‘I’ve bought her a belt and a bag.’

‘That was very kind of you,’ Jim added, ‘I hope she appreciated the thought.’

Tony smiled as he replied, ‘So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.’

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?

Hog and kisses!

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What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love?

A stupid cupid!

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Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?

It was Valenswine’s Day!

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Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Sure, they’re very scent-imental!

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What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

“I’m sweet on you!”

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What did the paper clip say to the magnet?

“I find you very attractive.”

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What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine’s Day?

A hug and a quiche!

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What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?

Desperate!

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What did one pickle say to the other?

“You mean a great dill to me.”

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Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

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What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?

“I love you a ton!”

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What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

“You’re fun to hang around with.”

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Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

He fell in love with a pincushion!

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What did the pencil say to the paper?

“I dot my i’s on you!”

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Liz: “I can’t be your valentine for medical reasons.”
Jon: “Really?”
Liz: “Yeah, you make me sick!”

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Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn’t suit his taste!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing
“Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over
them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying
scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the
balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.