Encyclopedia of Humor

1000 Years of German Humor

The Code of Ethics for Lawyers

Italian War Heroes
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Part 1 – The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director’s attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet’s cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.

To grab an employer’s jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter’s orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says “Check ME out! I’m no shrinking violet!” Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don’t forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

Now that you’ve achieved that visceral “oomph”, it’s time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a salable skill. Let’s look at some examples of putting the best “spin” on a job seeker’s skills:

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“I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee’s.”

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a “Grill Coordinator”, or perhaps a “Culinary Technician”.

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“I subbed in for my nephew’s paper route one weekend.”

Ah! So you were previously employed in “Communication Services!” Describe yourself as a “Journalism Representative.”

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“I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie’s Angels reruns.”

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a “Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.” Let them know how much time you’ve wisely invested in “Popular Drama Studies.”

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“I worked in telemarketing.”

Die you scumbag.

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“I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine.”

I see! An “Alternative Hygiene Researcher” who throws himself into his work!

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Always remember to use active, “can-do” language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:

• Excellence (can’t get enough of this one!)
• Goal-oriented
• Forward-thinking
• Striving
• Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Part 2 – The Interview

So now you’ve got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you’ve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here’s some suggestions for opening lines:

• “The voices told me I’m perfect for this job.”
• “I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.”
• “Maybe you can’t tell, but I’m not wearing any underwear.”
• “Let’s make this fast, I’m late for my medication.”
• “The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.”
• “I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship.”
• “I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?”
• “I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!”

Now that you’ve made a big impression, make sure you’ll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer’s desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting “Wonder twin powers, activate!”

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying “Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)” And certainly don’t forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

The next time you see some statistics, remember these facts about bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

• 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
• 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
• 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
• 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
• 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

7. Bread is made from a substance called “dough.” It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s disease, and osteoporosis.

9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.

10. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide “Just Say No To Toast” campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
5. The establishment of “Bread-free” zones around schools.

Unless you’ve been living on another planet or you have no electricity.

1. Baby break dance
2. Apple Ad – Drunk Jeff Goldblum
3. Scarlet takes a tumble

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