Encyclopedia of Humor

A friend of mine fixed me up with this guy to double date with her and her boyfriend. When we were ordering dinner, the waitress asked him what he wanted to drink. The guy said “Coke”. The waitress replied that they
only had “Pepsi”. He agreed and as the waitress walked away the guy said, “I don’t know what the big deal is, why they only carry Coke or Pepsi. They’re all owned by the same company. You know, Coca-COLA.
Pepsi-COLA.”

The sad part about it was he was totally serious. Needless to say, this man won’t be fathering my children.

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.”

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk asked, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”

The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-four.”

The clerk said, “All right. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.”

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

A medical student was working in the toxicology department at the poison control center. A woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. The medical student quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. The student told the mother that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
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Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the work field decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were quite surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is automatically activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.
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A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs.
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A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Too many freaks not enough circuses

Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.