Encyclopedia of Humor

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, does it make a sound?

A single fact can spoil a good argument.

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.

I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.

Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we’re already there?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If you yelled at your plants instead of talking to them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

The pen is mightier than the sword — if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp.

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

Call me insane one more time and I’ll eat your other eye!

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can’t it get us out?

The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are finished.

Money isn’t everything, but at least it encourages relatives to stay in touch.

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.

“Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses.” explained the driver.

“What did you tell the farmer?” Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, “I told him I was Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I’d just killed the pig.”

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren’t afraid to have a Chapter 11?

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the driver’s side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything I’ve been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonna’s baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.