Encyclopedia of Humor

Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year?
A: Because Clinton “invested” all the turkey.

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What’s the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee–If No Recovery!

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he’s lying.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He’s got his jogging suit on.

Q: What’s Clinton’s favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.

Q: What’s the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin’s subjects admired him.

Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One–she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What’s the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.

Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.

Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.

Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.

Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!

Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.

Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.

Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.

A New York City yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and talked to the proprietor about how he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.

“That’s a lot of chicks,” commented the proprietor. “I mean business,” the city slicker replied.

A week later the yuppie was back again. “I need another 100 chicks,” he said. “Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming,” the man told him.

“Yeah,” the yuppie replied. “If I can iron out a few problems.” “Problems?” asked the proprietor. “Yeah,” replied the yuppie, “I think I planted that last batch too close together.”

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’”

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?

The light went out, but where to ?

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?

Why is it you have a “pair” of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call Information they can’t tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?