Encyclopedia of Humor

Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can’t keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the president’s spouse, Bill Clinton.

Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.

Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He’s the stiff one.

Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore’s life?
A: Grade six.

Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.

Q: What will Bill’s favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes effect?
A: Everything’s $100.

Q: What was the real purpose of Bill’s college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.

Q: What is Clinton’s plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea’s new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.

Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.

Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren’t as successful when they’re not on grass.

Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.

Q: Did you know that Clinton’s cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn’t really all that good at Chess. The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.

Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!

Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn’t. He whines a while, says “I feel your pain”, and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.

Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: “You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!

Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: “Never! I’m not going to let my wife run the country!!”

Q: Why doesn’t Bill like old houses?
A: He’s afraid of the draft.

Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.

Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.

Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Q: What’s the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.

Q: What’s a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who’s been mugged.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don’t you?
A: They get elected.

Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?

Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.

Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.

Q: Why can’t Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.

Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he’s sworn in.

Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!

Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven’t had any brains for the last thirty years.

Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!

Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton’s election?
A: It’s gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us that everything possible is being done to help the situation.

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali–Democrats do that.

Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!

Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

Q: What’s Bill’s fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.

Q: What’s a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.

Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.

Q: Did you hear that the Clinton’s had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it’s got two left wings.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called “middle of the road Democrat”?
A: Because he’s got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton’s economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn’t got a prayer.

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who’d land first?
A: Who cares!

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won’t be going to school.

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.