Encyclopedia of Humor

Q: Why was Roger Clinton’s wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride’s father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.

Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing what they had started.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.

Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.

Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.

Q: What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.

Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.

Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form…democracy.

Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti’s military?
A: John Elway.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.

Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.

Q: What’s the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes froze the end of my nose.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is the word big so little and the word little so big?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Corduroy pillows: they’re making headlines!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton’s health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.

Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.

Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.

Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.

Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the “Bill Clinton Highway?”
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: What is Hillary’s new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.

Q: What are the administration’s favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.

Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski’s legal fund?
A: A free stamp.

Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can’t give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.

Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea–it can be cured.