Encyclopedia of Humor

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage
President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same

Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush’s policy of sending illegal Haitians back to Haiti
President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush’s policy on Haiti.

Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992
“I’ve offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again….It starts with a tax cut on the middle class.”

Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992
“I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is central to any attempt we’re going to make to have a short-term economic strategy.”

President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993
“From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that.”

President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993
“I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future…without asking more of you. And I’ve worked harder than I’ve ever worked in my life to meet that goal. But I can’t.”

Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992
“The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the ‘read my lips’ promise in the first place. You just can’t promise something like that just to get elected if you know there’s a good chance that circumstances may overtake you.”

President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993
“We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances.”

Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them

Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion

Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million–it will only cover 4,800 students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland

Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes greater than $250,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes greater than $30,000

Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich, foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the elderly, motorists, and farmers

The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.

He goes up to the girl and says, “Little girl, I think that it’s wonderful that you’re doing such a good thing.”

The little girl says, “Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They’re Democrats.”

Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and decides to talk to her again. “You know what, little girl? I think I’ll take one of those puppies after all, seeing as how they’re Democrats.”

The girl says, “I’m sorry Mr. Clinton, but they’re not Democrats any more. They’re Republican now.”

Bill says, “They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know that they were Democrats at first to begin with?”

She says, “Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their eyes are open.”

It’s still the economy.
And he’s still stupid.

Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!

Honk if Bill Clinton says you’re rich!

Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:

If you can read this
You’re not from here

Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!

Some key definitions to help decode Clinton’s speeches. More will be added as the President’s meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach meaning to words, it’s symbolism that is important.

All – Clinton’s constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore America’s economic health.

Ask – Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating.

Campaign promise – actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne promise.

Change – (verb) redefinition of the term “tax cut” to its true meaning, “contribution”. (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore America’s (and, uh, Washington’s) economy to number one in the world.

Contribution – that portion of your “excess” income that Washington believes it can make better use of than you. This ’90s term is designed to make you feel good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as “taxes” (shhh. don’t say the T word out loud, it’s not politically correct).

Courage – Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as president.

First lady – This term has been replaced by the title “co-president”

Middle class – That portion of society whose range of income extends from the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or the “burdened” class.

Poor – What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution.

Sacrifice – Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the effect.

Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts.

We – You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all. Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we.

Wealthy – Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron Brown, “made out like bandits during the ’80′s”. Mr. Brown didn’t do too shabby himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is just a humble “servant” of the people.