Encyclopedia of Humor

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of the CIA and said, “I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning.”

Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President said, “I hear you’re the best in the business. I can’t trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?”

The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn’t heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, “Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, then, express the will of the people,” Clinton ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him.

A man dies, and he’s looking in the gates of hell.

There he sees John Kennedy with an incredibly ugly girl. The man turns to the Devil and asks why John Kennedy is with this hideous looking person. The Devil replies, “Well, John has done some bad things in his life and that’s his punishment.”

The man looks around a little more and sees Bill Clinton with a beautiful model. The stunned guy asks “What’s Bill Clinton doing with that model?” The devil replied, “Well, that model did some pretty bad things in her life.”

Bill Clinton has just had a major new policy decision that he thinks is going to “save” America. He decides to talk it over with Senator Dole.

Dole says, “Well Bill, the Republicans aren’t to sure about this. Why do you go back to the White House and write a 20,000 word essay on your ideas, aims, etc. If you give it to me by 8 A.M. tomorrow, we’ll think about it.”

So, Bill goes back and does probably that hardest night’s work ever. He really puts his heart and soul into the paper and proudly hands it over to Bob the next morning.

Bill was told to come back the next day when the republicans would pass judgement. The next day, Bill again trudges in and Bob says, “Well Mr President, we were impressed with the paper, but there were a couple of spelling mistakes. Here’s the deal. I’m giving you a pair of dice, and if you role 1 to 11, we won’t pass it.”

“But what if I get a 12?” Bill asks. And Bob replies, “You get to roll again”.

After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce and bloody civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favour of diversity.

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton’s practice of taking early morning jogs.

They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president.

Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.