MEN:

1. Wait until Saturday, drive to the auto parts store. Buy a case of oil, oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner (don’t forget a little tree air freshener). Write a check to the auto parts store for approximately $50.

2. Stop by 7/11 on the way home, buy a case of beer. Write a check for $20.00.

3. Drive home with oil and beer.

4. Open beer, enjoy it.

5. Spend 30 minutes looking for the jack stands.

6. Find the jack stands (finally) under the kid’s pedal car, jack the car up.

7. Open another beer, drink it.

8. Place drain pan under engine.

9. Look for 9/16″ box end wrench for drain plug

10. Give up looking ten minutes later, find crescent wrench.

11. Unscrew drain plug.

12. Drop drain plug into pan of hot oil. Splash hot oil onto your hands and face in the process. Cuss and swear.

13. Crawl out from under car, wipe hot oil from hands and face. Throw some kitty litter on the spilled oil.

14. Open another beer while watching the last drops of oil drain.

15. Spend 30 minutes looking for the oil filter wrench.

16. Give up looking for oil filter wrench, crawl under car and hammer a flat-head screwdriver through the oil filter and twist it off.

17. Crawl out from under car, splashing hot oil everywhere from newly made holes in oil filter.

18. Cleverly hide used oil filter in trash to avoid those pesky environmental penalties. Open another beer.

19. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket.

20. Pour the first quart of new oil into engine.

21. Oops! Now remember the drain plug (removed in step 11). It’s still swimming in the now-warm oil in the drain pan.

22. Throw more kitty litter on the quart-sized oil puddle on the floor.

23. Open another beer and drink it.

24. Find drain plug with a minimum of spillage, hand-tighten in drain plug socket. Drink beer.

25. Crawl under car (getting oily kitty litter embedded in neck and arms). Tighten drain plug with crescent wrench, but this time, it’s slippery. Bang your knuckles on the frame while tightening drain plug.

26. Throw crescent wrench across the garage in anger. Throw a fit because crescent wrench hits bowling trophy (which wife wouldn’t let stay in the house).

27. Open another beer and drink it.

28. Clean hands, bandaging where needed to stop blood flow.

29. Pour in five quarts of fresh oil.

30. Lower car from jack stands. Smile at your handiwork. Open another beer and drink it.

31. Move car back to discover oil puddles you missed; apply more kitty litter to missed areas.

32. Test drive car to make sure oil doesn’t leak.

33. Get pulled over a block from the house by local police, get arrested for DUI.

34. Call loving wife and bail bondsman.

35. Next day, get car out of impound yard.

Cost: $50 parts, $20 beer, Impound fee $75, Bail $1500, DUI $2500 minimum. Total $4145 (but you know the job was done right!)

WOMEN:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube or Valvoline Instant Oil Change when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee while they change the oil.

3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Cost: $29.99 oil change, $2.00 coffee. Total $32.00