“Chelsea Clinton tried to help her mother attract the gay vote in Pennsylvania by visiting several lesbian bars. That’s true, yeah. Yeah, when asked to comment afterwards, Chelsea said, ‘I’ve never seen so many women with my mom’s haircut.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. ‘I’m for Hillary now!’” –Jay Leno

“Did you all see that? She took the shot with the beer chaser. Did it like an old pro. To give you an idea how much she drank, when the phone rang at 3 am, slept right through it.” –Jay Leno

“Big shake-up in the Hillary Clinton campaign. This is huge. Yesterday — true story — Hillary Clinton’s top adviser abruptly left her campaign. When he heard about it, Bill Clinton said, ‘Wait, we can leave?’” –Conan O’Brien

“Poor Hillary. She went on my friend Jay Leno’s show last night. She’s still trying to put that whole Bosnia sniper fire thing behind her. She said, ‘It’s been so long since I’ve been pinned down by anyone.’” –Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton was in Philadelphia, where she told the crowd she is like the movie character Rocky. Now, if I remember the movie correctly, doesn’t Rocky get the crap beat out of him and then he loses to the black guy?” –Jay Leno

“Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 a.m. phone call commercial that she’s been running? Well, she’s got another one of those, and the phone rings at 3 a.m., Hillary answers the phone, she picks it up, and she says “Stop bothering me, President Obama!” –David Letterman

“This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, ‘Because then she’d come home.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary was caught in a bit of a lie. When she was first lady, she went to Bosnia when it was war-torn. She said that she faced sniper fire — never happened. And had to run to the car for cover — never happened. If only she had channeled that active fantasy world into her marriage.” –Bill Maher

“Have you been following the story about Reverend Wright, Barack Obama’s pastor? Hillary said if her pastor had made the comments that Reverend Wright had made, she would have left that church. Interesting distinction she makes. She also says if her pastor had been blown by Monica Lewinsky, she would have stayed.” –Bill Maher

“Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton has been hinting that she and Barack Obama might share the Democratic ticket with her in the number one position. She feels Barack Obama deserves some sort of consolation prize for getting the most votes and being the most popular.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton is back in the hunt for the Democratic nomination. She won do-or-die primaries in Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas last night. A lot of people thought she would be done today, but just like Bill always says, Hillary does not go down without a fight.” –Jimmy Kimmel “There have been charges of foul play from both sides. Obama has accused Clinton of smearing him by implying that he’s a Muslim or Muslim-sympathizer, and Clinton has accused Obama and his people of trying to dump a bucket of water on her and make her melt.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, ‘Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married’” –David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress.” –Craig Ferguson

“Things aren’t looking good for Hillary. Like a lot of women in Washington, I think she’s just starting to realize she may have slept with Bill Clinton for nothing.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton continually reminds voters that she has been tested. Which makes sense. You never know what Bill might have brought home.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a private talk. Did you hear about this? They had a private discussion. They agreed to stop attacking each other so harshly. Hillary told Barack, ‘We should pretend to like each other, just like Bill and I do.’” –Conan O’Brien

“On the eve of Tuesday’s primary victories, a defiant Hillary Clinton said, ‘I’m just getting warmed up.’ Which begs the question, ‘Hey, Hillary, how are you gonna be ready on day one if it takes you 31 primaries to get warmed up.’” –Seth Meyers

“The big story this week is the Democrats. Hillary got her groove back. I don’t know if you saw this but on Tuesday there were four primaries and she beat the Arab guy three to one. I only know what I see in the paper. And she did it the old fashioned way, by building a coalition of women, Latinos and blue-collar white men, and scaring the sh*t out of them.” –Bill Maher

“Apparently negative is the new positive. Now the media is trying to goad Barack Obama into taking the gloves off. And I’m not so sure this strategy is any good, you know, having a young black man attack a 60-year-old white lady? She loves to play the victim. She’s already got a new slogan, ‘Hillary Clinton: Please, just take my purse and leave me alone.’” –Bill Maher

“Hillary criticized Obama so strongly that at one point he yelled at her. He just said, ‘Hey, easy, lady, we’re not married’” –David Letterman

“Political experts are now saying it’s almost impossible for Hillary Clinton to win, and everyone is urging her to call it quits and go home to Bill. Except, of course, Bill. ‘Stay out there, honey!’” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign is trying to embarrass Barack Obama. Have you seen this? They have circulated pictures of Obama wearing tribal dress. Obama wanted to strike back, but there are no pictures of Hillary wearing a dress.” –Craig Ferguson

“Bill Clinton’s been getting in the way of Hillary’s campaign. Can you believe that? She’s really upset about it, so she’s encouraged him to start dating again.” –David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton out on the campaign trail. She’s very sly. You know, she’s been campaigning about Black History Month, and she said today that America has come so far that a black man could one day grow up and possibly be vice president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“As you know, Hillary has lost the last eight primaries in a row. So, any crying you see from now on is going to be real.” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her.” –Jay Leno

“Because it’s a long, horrifying process to run for the nomination, candidates often like to have fun on the campaign trail. And a couple of days ago — this is great — Hillary Clinton, while she was flying on her campaign airplane, pretended to be a flight attendant. But that’s not all. She was so convincing that Bill actually hit on her.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Hillary Clinton. The big winner up there in New Hampshire. Congratulations to her, did a a nice job. Yeah, despite all the predictions by the pundits, Hillary Clinton refused to roll over. How many times has Bill heard that?” –Jay Leno

“All the other Democratic candidates are continuing to attack Hillary Clinton. In fact, in the debate the other night, they accused Hillary Clinton of having things both ways. Which is ironic, ’cause Bill’s been trying to talk her into that for years.” –Jay Leno

“Did you see this Democratic debate this week? Wow! The six men all piled onto Hillary Clinton. It was like a porn movie. They were claiming she’s not a real Democrat because she might actually win something.” –Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton on Thursday visited Wellesley College and told students, ‘This all-women’s college prepared me to compete in the all-boys club of presidential politics.’ Although she said afterwards, it was hard to speak at a school that was so pro-Bush.” –Seth Meyers

“Presidential candidate Barack Obama … went door to door in Iowa over the weekend to talk about his opposition to the war and gain votes. Hillary Clinton also went door to door — not looking for votes, trying to find her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday on the campaign trail … Senator Hillary Clinton was extremely critical of NAFTA, even though the program was implemented by Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Hillary said, ‘It’s not just NAFTA. I’m also opposed to my husband’s views on MILFs.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary has a big lead in the Democratic race for president. Political insiders are speculating that if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination, she may choose a Hispanic running mate. When he heard about this, Bill Clinton yelled, ‘How ’bout Salma Hayek?’” –Conan O’Brien

“In an upcoming interview with the gay magazine The Advocate, Hillary Clinton says the rumors about her being a lesbian are not true and she says she’s never had sex with a woman, no matter how many times Bill has begged her to.” –Jay Leno

“Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has proposed $5,000 be given to every baby born in the United States. And today, Republicans attacked Hillary’s plan, saying what babies need are jobs, not handouts. … $5,000? Imagine that. Remember when politicians just kissed babies? Now we have to pay them off too.” –Jay Leno

“Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there’s one thing she knows, it’s how to spot a guy who’s lying.” –Jay Leno

“A new novelty item is now being sold. Get this, it’s a Hillary Clinton nutcracker that cracks nuts between its legs. Yeah, Hillary calls the nutcracker silly, and Bill Clinton calls it chillingly lifelike”–Conan O’Brien

“Bill Clinton is out there promoting his new book. … In an interview, former President Bill Clinton says that most people don’t know Hillary has the world’s best laugh. Bill added, ‘I get to hear it every time she pushes me down the stairs.’” –Conan O’Brien

“According to a biography of Hillary by Carl Bernstein, Bill Clinton planned to divorce Hillary. And when asked why she stayed married, Hillary was quoted as saying, ‘There are worse things than infidelity.’ To which Bill Clinton said, ‘Yeah. Fidelity.’” –Jay Leno

“The Washington Post reports that Senator Hillary Clinton is trying to win the Democratic nomination by reaching out to women. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Oh sure, when she does it, it’s okay.’” –Conan O’Brien

“The first Democratic presidential debate was held earlier tonight. … Big event. It featured Senator Hillary Clinton facing off against seven men. Or, as Bill Clinton calls it, the worst porn movie plot ever.” –Conan O’Brien

“According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina. And today, she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton says if she is elected president, she will use Bill Clinton as an ambassador because ‘she can’t think of a better cheerleader for America.’ To which Bill Clinton said, ‘I can think of 20 and I have their phone numbers.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Although Hillary Clinton set the mark by raising $26 million for her presidential campaign in the first quarter of 2007, Mitt Romney, the Republican, was right behind her with $23 million. That’s something Hillary hasn’t felt in 20 years — a man breathing down her neck.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton said today that public appearances with her and Bill would be rare. The only thing more rare? Private appearances with her and Bill.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign has issued a statement saying she and Bill will be together this weekend in Selma, Alabama, which will be their first joint appearance together in a month. That’s when you know you have a bad marriage — when you have to put out a press release saying you’ll be together for the weekend. You need cameras to record it, in case people don’t believe you” –Jay Leno

“According to this week’s Newsweek magazine, Hillary’s campaign refuses to consider Bill Clinton’s infidelity. … They called it ‘the elephant in the room that no one wants to address.’ Which is what got Clinton in trouble in the first place … the elephant in the room.” –Jay Leno

“You all excited about the 2008 presidential election? There’s some interesting potential matchups. For example, Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani. … On the one hand, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems. Or, you have a pushy New Yorker with a history marital problems.” –David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton’s campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen’s statement attacking the Clintons. … Geffen said, ‘I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it’s troubling.’ I think that’s an unfair statement. Just because you’re really good at something doesn’t mean it’s easy.” –Jay Leno

“It looks like Hollywood is starting to turn on Hillary Clinton. Hollywood mogul David Geffen — he’s given huge amounts to the Clintons — told columnist Maureen Dowd of the New York Times that Hillary Clinton is too scripted, that Bill Clinton is reckless, and both of the Clintons lie so easily it’s troubling. Bad scripts, reckless behavior, and lying — thank God that kind of thing can never happen here in Hollywood.” –Jay Leno

“The latest political rumor is that if Hillary Clinton wins the presidency, she will be replaced in the Senate by her husband, Bill Clinton. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, ‘I dream of replacing Hillary every day.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Political experts are now saying that to win the presidency in 2008 a candidate has to get hot at the right time. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Hillary’s doomed’” –Conan O’Brien

“Justice Department officials have determined that a president of the United States does have the legal authority to have someone killed … in the United States. And today, Bill Clinton withdrew his support for Hillary.” –Jay Leno

“This week at a fashion show in Rome, a line of dresses were introduced that feature huge pictures of Hillary Clinton’s face. When he heard this, Bill Clinton said, ‘Finally, Hillary’s face on another woman’s body.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Is anybody really that surprised that Hillary Clinton is running for president? I’m not surprised. I mean, if you were married to Bill Clinton … wouldn’t you want to be able to tap his phone, read his mail, and torture him?” –Jay Leno

“Of course, the big question political experts are asking now is what role will Bill Clinton play in Hillary’s campaign. I’m guessing ‘the cheating husband.’” –Jay Leno

“Politics is a dirty business. Hillary Clinton announced she’s running for president, and the Republicans are already busy digging up dirt. They found out that once in her lifetime she slept with Bill Clinton.” –David Letterman

“Yesterday, on a campaign trip, Hillary Clinton suggested that she knows how to deal with evil and bad men, like Osama bin Laden, because she had to put up with her husband. Which explains why Hillary wants to look for bin Laden at the nearest Hooters.” –Conan O’Brien

“In Iowa yesterday, Hillary Clinton was shoring up support a mere year before that state’s presidential caucus. She whipped the crowd into a frenzy with her new campaign slogan, ‘Let The Conversation Begin.’ This may not be the most politically correct thing to say, but I don’t think that slogan’s going to help you with men. … I think the typical response would be, ‘Now?’ You might as well get on your campaign bus, The ‘I Think We Really Need To Talk’ Express, to unveil your new Iraq policy, ‘America, Let’s Pull Over And Just Ask For Directions.’” –Jon Stewart

“Hillary Clinton announced officially she will be running for president. Besides announcing her candidacy on the Internet, she’s also selling all her old headbands on Craigslist.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Hillary Clinton announced she is running for president of the United States, which isn’t a surprise to many people — except maybe those who just voted her for a second term as senator.” –Jay Leno

“It’s official. Hillary Clinton is running for president of the United States. She said on her Web site, ‘I’m in it to win.’ That may seem obvious, but for Democrats running for president … they have to keep reminding themselves.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary says she has gotten hundreds of calls telling her to go out on the road and campaign for the next two years. And that’s just from her husband, Bill.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton, senator from New York, announced she wants to be president. She would be our first female president … if you don’t count James Buchanan.” –David Letterman

“Senator Hillary Clinton is back from her fact-finding trip to Iraq. She had to cut the trip short because she had to address a growing threat here at home — Barack Obama.” –Jay Leno

“Presidential experts say Hillary Clinton will soon form a presidential exploratory committee. Actually, that’s not new. She’s formed presidential exploratory committees before … when trying to find her husband.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton was asked about President Bush and she said, ‘I’m not going to believe this president again.’ Yeah, Hillary said, to be fair, I stopped believing presidents ten years ago. Apparently she had a bad experience.” –Conan O’Brien

“Big, big win for the Democrats. Senator Hillary Clinton’s overwhelming victory has fueled speculation that she will run for president in 2008. In other words, there was some good news for Republicans.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton’s making calls, hiring staff and getting ready to travel to Iowa to launch her campaign. She’ll be on the road nonstop for the next two years. How is Bill going to manage stuck home all alone? He’s going to be heartbroken.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new survey, Hillary Clinton’s popularity rating is down to its lowest point in over a year. When Bill Clinton heard this, he said, ‘If there’s one thing Hillary can do, it’s bring polls down.’” –Conan O’Brein

“Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. You know Bill Clinton — when he makes a vow to Hillary, you can take that to the bank.” –Jay Leno

“A New Jersey company has developed an inhaler they say increases sex drive in women. They say it stimulates the brain to make you want to have sex with your partner. It’s an inhaler. You know what the means? One day on the campaign trail, Hillary may be able to claim she never inhaled either.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn’t take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she’s basically saying she wants to be president because she can’t do anything else.” –Jay Leno

“At the national portrait gallery in Washington, D.C. new portraits were unveiled of former President Clinton and First Lady Hillary Clinton. The Smithsonian said that the portraits of Bill and Hillary will not hang in the same room. Boy, talk about art reflecting life.” –Jay Leno

“I’m surprised they did a portrait of Hillary. I thought maybe an ice sculpture would have been more appropriate.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton said today that she didn’t know her husband, Bill Clinton, was giving the Arabs advice on the port deal while she was ruling against it. Can you believe that? Hillary was clueless about a major political event. You know what that means. she could really be the next president of the United States.” –Jay Leno

“More problems for Hillary Clinton. The head of New York state’s leading gay rights group describes Hillary Clinton as a disappointment on samesex marriage. Today, her husband bill described her as a disappointment on opposite sex marriage.” –Jay Leno

“Senator Hillary Clinton hired a former adviser to President Clinton. Apparently she’s taking his advice because today she hit on three waitresses.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton speaking out on [the port deal]. She has mixed feelings about Dubai. On one hand, they hate Israel. On the other hand, they stone adulterers.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton said today she finds the administration’s refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton blasted the vice president today for failing to disclose all the facts. She wants Dick Cheney to give exact details. You know like, “How do you shoot someone and make it look like an accident?” –Jay Leno

“In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton wondered why President Bush can’t find the tallest man in Afghanistan. Probably for the same reason she couldn’t find the fattest intern under the desk.” –Jay Leno

“Hillary Clinton said this week that she doesn’t agree with either the people who say we should be in Iraq or her friends who say we should be out. Thanks for clearing that up. Think she’s running for president? Even John Kerry said, “Pick a position!” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she’s too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, ‘Oh yeah? I’ll rip your throats out, you bastards.’” –David Letterman “In a speech this week, Hillary Clinton blasted the Bush White House as one of the worst in history. I tell you, this is the hardest Hillary’s been on any president she wasn’t married to.” –Jay Leno

“Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary Clinton running for president. Apparently, some Democrats don’t like the idea, while others hate it.” –Conan O’Brien

“It’s true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the ‘Nutcracker.’ Not the ballet, Hillary.” –David Letterman

“Sen. Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq next year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton.” –Jay Leno

“In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he’ll certainly ask.” –Jay Leno

“While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator.” –Jay Leno

“While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government official. Bill said, “No way!” How does that make Hillary feel? Bill almost gave her up for one cow.” –Jay Leno

“The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that’s when the party ends” –Jay Leno

“Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.” –Jay Leno

“There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill’s having sex with a women over there too.” –Jay Leno

“Well, the big story — Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she’s running? I think she finally wants to see what it’s like to sleep in the president’s bed.” –Jay Leno

“There’s already speculation that Hillary Clinton will be the nominee for the Democrats in 2008. Well, you have to admire the dedication of the Democratic party. They just lost an election, and they’re already hard at work planning to lose the next one.” –Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton is repositioning herself constantly. She is now campaigning against sex and violence in TV shows and video games. She said studies show that children who … are exposed to sexual images are more likely to blow her husband” –Bill Maher

“In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can’t stand, it’s Hillary.” –Jay Leno

“In an interview over the weekend on Japanese television, Bill Clinton said Hillary would make a great president — lousy intern but great, great president.” –Jay Leno

“Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton visited Iraq to boost moral. Apparently it worked because former President Clinton has never been in a better mood.” –Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the Clinton’s former business partners can vote for her in 2008.” –Jay Leno

“According to a new poll, Democrats are favoring Hillary Clinton for the Democratic presidential nominee for 2008. Democrats say they are looking for a fresh and exciting new way to get their asses handed to them.” –Tina Fey