McCain kept talking about how he could help this man. If McCain really wants to help this guy, you now what he should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain’s houses. That would be a job for life.” –Jay Leno, on Joe the Plumber

A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, ‘Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.’” –Jay Leno

“Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they’ll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, ‘Do I live here?’” –David Letterman

“Sarah Palin had to have her campaign bus make an unscheduled stop at a Wal-Mart in Ohio, so she could pick up a package of diapers. I guess she ran out of diapers, so they pulled over and she went in and everyone followed her. Which is kind of cute, but it turned out Senator McCain didn’t need them.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I’m watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, ‘My friends.’ And so I am just blotto.” –David Letterman

“At one point McCain referred to Barack Obama as ‘That One.’ And McCain later thought maybe something had gone haywire. He apologized, he said he got confused, he thought he was at the bakery.” –David Letterman

“It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, ‘We don’t have time for on-the-job training.’ Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?” –Jay Leno

“And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses.” –Jay Leno

“The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don’t know if you heard this, John McCain said, ‘The gloves are coming off.’ That’s what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, ‘but don’t worry, the diaper is staying on.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Political experts are saying that to succeed in the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin needs to show that she has the same concerns as everyday Americans. For instance, Palin planned to start the debate by saying she’s really troubled by John McCain’s choice for vice president.” –Conan O’Brien

“Yesterday the stock market suffered its biggest one-day drop in history, falling 777 points. I’m telling you, boy, it’s a good thing John McCain blew me off to go save the economy.” –David Letterman

“I felt bad about this. Because we were all ready to go with John McCain and with an hour to go, he cancels. I felt bad about it. I was thinking about this, John, John, here’s how it works. You don’t come to see me? Well, we might not see you on Inauguration Day.” –David Letterman

This doesn’t smell right. This is not the way a tested hero behaves. Somebody’s putting something in his Metamucil.” –David Letterman, on John McCain suspending his campaign and canceling his appearance on the Late Show

“McCain suspended his campaign, said the debate had to be canceled, he went to Washington, screwed up the deal, and then un-suspended his campaign and flew to the debate even though there wasn’t a deal. Usually when a 72-year-old man acts this way, this is when the kids start calling nursing homes.” –Bill Maher

“The other financial genius, John McCain…said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC — except you can’t as president fire the SEC chairman, it’s a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she’s going to drop him from the ticket.” –Bill Maher

“Can you imagine if she was president right now? They hacked into her email account. She couldn’t even keep that safe. Somebody hacked into her Yahoo! email account. They don’t know who did it. They know it’s someone who understood technology and was interested in her background. So we can rule out McCain.” –Bill Maher

“The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, ‘Hey, if I didn’t look into her background, there’s no reason you should be looking into her background.’” –Jay Leno

“How are you going to be the vice president of the United States with five kids to take care of? She’s got a four-month-old of her own, she’s about to become a grandmother, and she’s partnered with John McCain. How many diapers can one woman possibly change?” –Jimmy Kimmel

“Governor Sarah Palin gave her speech tonight at the GOP Convention, and it gave people who didn’t know anything about her the chance to finally meet her, you know, like John McCain.” –Jay Leno

“The Republican Convention is under way. The theme for tonight’s Republican Convention is, ‘Who is John McCain?’ Tomorrow night’s theme is, ‘Who forgot to check if the Vice President’s daughter is pregnant?’” –Conan O’Brien

“There was some breaking news out of Dayton, Ohio today, where Republican presidential candidate John McCain introduced the world to his third wife.” –Jon Stewart

“Now obviously Sen. John McCain has made an enormous amount over Barack Obama’s lack of experience, so it seems curious that the 72-year-old, four-to-five time face cancer guy would choose a running mate whose resume appears to be more suited for a Northern Exposure reunion show.” –Jon Stewart

“Actually, it was kind of a smart choice. McCain went with a woman because hedidn’t want to have to be in a position to have to get CPR from Mitt Romney.” –Jay Leno

“Sarah Palin and McCain are a good pair. She’s pro-life and he’s clinging to life.” –Jay Leno

“This isn’t a presidential ticket, this is a sitcom. The maverick and the MILF.” –Bill Maher

“John McCain has finally decided on his vice president. The only question now is from which house will he make the announcement.” –David Letterman

“Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur.” –Jay Leno

“Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It’s a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)…her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, ‘I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.’” –Jon Stewart, on McCain’s attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

“While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn’t laying around, no, no. John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox.” –David Letterman (Read more of Letterman’s jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain’s jokes about Letterman)

“John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous. Everybody knows McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?” –Craig Ferguson

“Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That’s what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he’s going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies.” –Conan O’Brien

“President Bush spoke at a campaign rally in support of John McCain. They raised millions and millions of dollars, most of which will be used to repair the damage of President Bush supporting John McCain at a campaign rally. So it’s kind of a wash” –Jay Leno

“Cindy McCain sprained her wrist. Doctors say it’s nothing serious — she probably did it cutting John McCain’s meat into little tiny pieces.” –Craig Ferguson “This week, Barack Obama, true story, campaigned on an Indian reservation and the tribal chief adopted him. Yeah, the Indians actually prefer Obama to John McCain, because they still remember when McCain took their land.” –Conan O’Brien

“John McCain is actively courting women over 60. And I’m thinking, who does this guy think he is, Ashton Kutcher?” –David Letterman

“Earlier today, John McCain released 1,200 pages of his medical records. Or, as his doctor calls it, Chapter One.” –Conan O’Brien

“McCain of course has the nomination sewed up. He’s now auditioning candidates for vice president, and they’re visiting at his home in Arizona. I believe it’s called Casa Viagra. I believe it’s called the Lazy Artery. I believe it’s a ranch, I think it’s the Double Hernia. No no, his home in Arizona — the Rancho Prostato.” –David Letterman

“Barack Obama’s staff and John McCain’s staff are busy now negotiating when the presidential debates will take place. That’s good, yeah. Yeah, Obama wants them to be in September, and McCain wants them to be after his nap, but before ‘Wheel of Fortune.’” –Conan O’Brien

“According to the Washington Post, Barack Obama and actress Scarlett Johansson are email buddies. Apparently they email each other back and forth. So, you’ve got a 23-year-old gorgeous, blonde actress emailing a married presidential candidate. Well, what could go wrong there? Not to be outdone today, John McCain admitted he had been exchanging flirty emails with Angela Lansbury.” –Jay Leno

“CNN reports that John McCain is aggressively trying to win over the independent vote. Yeah, of course, to John McCain, independent means anyone who can make it to the toilet without help.” –Conan O’Brien

“And John McCain is campaigning very hard. Every day I pick up the newspaper, he’s someplace else. He’s got a new strategy. Well John McCain just announced he wants to do a series of town hall meetings where he’ll meet with the public. Yeah, it’s all part of McCain’s ‘Speak Up, I Can’t Hear You’ tour.” –Conan O’Brien

“You know who I like is that John McCain. … He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can’t stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash.” –David Letterman (Read more of Letterman’s jabs at Old Man McCain, plus McCain’s jokes about Letterman)

“McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two.” –Bill Maher

“Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain have all been arguing, claiming that they’re the most qualified person to answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. Yeah, McCain said, ‘I’m the most qualified, because I’m usually up at that hour peeing anyway.’” –Conan O’Brien

“John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they’re calling it, Antiques Roadshow.” –Jay Leno

“Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired — this is a bit of a scandal — because they were looking at Barack Obama’s passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain’s Civil War records.” –David Letterman

“John McCain’s daughter is in the news. John McCain’s daughter says that a lot of guys don’t want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That’s part of the reason. It’s also because McCain’s daughter is 63 years old.” –Conan O’Brien

“We’re leaning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He’s on this big biography tour. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budweiser beer. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, and unlimited money. I think I speak for all guys when I go, ‘Why is he running for president?’” –Jay Leno

“Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, ‘Don’t worry about it. I didn’t know that either.’” –Jay Leno

“It was reported that Barack Obama’s Secret Service name is ‘Renegade,’ while Hillary Clinton’s is ‘Evergreen.’ That’s true. Meanwhile, John McCain’s Secret Service name is ‘Enlarged Prostate.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia.” –David Letterman

“Republican presidential candidate John McCain is in the news. John McCain says he’s trying to find a vice presidential running mate. Not only that, McCain is also trying to find his reading glasses and his car keys. … He’s an older gentleman. That’s the idea there. You’ll be hearing more of those in the next nine months, because that’s our take. Until he gets a whore.” –Conan O’Brien

“Congratulations to John McCain, he wrapped up the Republican nomination this week. And we know this is official now because Mike Huckabee dropped out and said he was joining forces with John McCain. Oh, great, you’ve got one guy who doesn’t believe in evolution, and another guy who remembers it.” –Bill Maher

“Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain’s vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist” –Seth Meyers

“He looks like the guy at the movies whose wife has to repeat everything…He looks like a guy who’s backed over his own mailbox…He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors.” –David Letterman (Read more Letterman jabs at Old Man McCain)

“As you know, last week the big rumor, according to the New York Times, is John McCain was allegedly sleeping with a a young, attractive lobbyist. Well, that story has pretty much gone away. In fact, the only one trying to keep it alive now? John McCain.” –Jay Leno

“Obama and Hillary argued last night over which candidate the Republicans are most afraid of. Interesting. I don’t want to take sides here, but I think it’s pretty obvious which candidate Republicans are most afraid of, John McCain.” –Jay Leno

“How about John McCain? He looks like a guy at a restaurant that says I’m leaving 10%, that’s good enough. John McCain, looks like the guy that goes to the curb for the paper and locks himself outside of the house.” –David Letterman

“The New York Times says that John McCain had a close, personal relationship with a beautiful, young, female lobbyist. Do you believe this? Think about it. A senator, who’s a Republican having sex with a woman.” –Jay Leno

“If it does turn out to be true, then John McCain’s critics have a point — he really does act more like a Democrat.” –Jay Leno

“They say this woman works for the telecommunications lobby. Apparently, she called McCain out of the blue and asked, ‘Are you happy with your current sex provider?’” –Jay Leno

“The New York Times this week printed an article alleging that John McCain may have had an improper affair with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. Or, as it’s known among lobbyists, lobbying.” –Amy Poehler

“The New York Times is claiming that John McCain, who is 71 years old, had an inappropriate relationship with a woman who is a Washington lobbyist. The good news is there’s no footage. Political experts say this could be a huge scandal for McCain because he’s married and the woman he’s accused of having an affair with is 31 years younger than he is. In a related story, earlier today McCain was endorsed by Bill Clinton.” –Conan O’Brien

“I mean, think about it, John McCain and with a young blond, and this was interesting: out of force of habit, Hillary is standing by him.” –David Letterman “But seriously how about that John McCain? John McCain looks like a guy whose head you can barely see over the steering wheel. … John McCain looks like the guy who thinks the nurses are stealing his stuff. ‘Dad, why would they take your socks? It doesn’t make sense.’” –David Letterman

“John McCain seems reinvigorated. He has a new campaign slogan, ‘He’ll lead you into the 21st century.’ I like it better than the old slogan, which was ‘He’ll lead you into assisted living.’” –David Letterman

“There was a big story in The New York Times today about Senator John McCain, who’s running for president. It questioned his ties to a lobbyist named Vicki Iseman. The story ‘hinted’ that McCain may have had an extramarital affair with her, but the weird thing is she looks almost exactly like John McCain’s wife, Cindy. So he might have just got confused and grabbed the wrong woman. These two look more alike than the Olson twins.” –Jimmy Kimmel

“The New York Times printed a story that said … in John McCain’s last campaign in 2000, he was apparently acting so sprung on a lobbyist lady that his staff had to c—block the senior citizen from Arizona from sweeping this chick right off her feet and onto his motorized shopping cart. … John McCain’s pick-up line is, ‘Did you know that 150 is the new 130?’” –Bill Maher

“I think this is a cynical attempt by the McCain campaign to make their candidate appear youthful and vigorous. I think they made the whole thing up and filtered it through the New York Times. You know, just like Bush did with the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. … Because there’s no real evidence to this story. Yes, a lot of people saw McCain going around with a cheap blond in a slinky dress, but they figured it was Rudy Giuliani.” –Bill Maher

“They have debated so much that they are now debating about debating. Did you see this? A lot of this debate was about the power of words. Hillary said, ‘Actions speak louder than words,’ Then Obama said, ‘Words can speak as loud as actions.’ And then McCain said, ‘Speak louder!’” –Bill Maher

“How about this John McCain, huh? Whoa, my gosh – doesn’t he look like the old guy at the barber shop? He looks kind of like a Wal-Mart greeter, John McCain. He kind of looks like the neighbor who says, ‘Oh, that dead tree is on your property,’ one of those guys. He’s the guy who is always early for the early bird special, that’s what he looks like. He looks like a mall walker, ladies and gentlemen. He looks like the guy at the supermarket who is confused by the automatic doors. He looks like the uncle who pretends to remove his thumb.” –David Letterman

“Senator John McCain has unveiled a new campaign slogan — ‘Ready To Lead America Into The 21st Century.’ Yeah, yeah. And this is a lot better than his old slogan, ‘I’ve Been Around Since The 19th Century.’” –Conan O’Brien

“I like John McCain. He looks like an old guy in a coffee shop who’s still complaining about the designated hitter. … He looks like the guy who asks the driver if he’s on the right bus. … Who looks like the guy who’s always saying, ‘What was that? Nothing? That’s what I thought.’” –David Letterman

“This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse.” –Jay Leno

“After John McCain swept yesterday’s primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama’s been using, ‘I’m fired up and ready to go.’ When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain’s been using, ‘I’m old and not sure where I am.’” –Conan O’Brien

“John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain’s lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky — six months ago, that was his campaign war chest.” –Jay Leno “John McCain says that he’s been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that’s just his prostate.” –Jay Leno

“Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn’t say what business, but I’m guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan’s Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. … You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him — Republicans.” –Jay Leno

“Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for ‘No Country For Old Men,’ which I think was also John McCain’s campaign slogan.” –Jay Leno

“And Senator John McCain was on the Larry King show the other night. He and Larry got in a big argument over whose prostate was larger.” –Jay Leno

“Congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent five and a half years in prison then went into politics. Usually it’s the other way around.” –Jay Leno

“John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He’s now doing something called his ‘Poverty Tour’, where he’s visiting people who have no money and no hope. In fact, his first stop today: John McCain’s headquarters.” –Jay Leno

“John McCain has a new campaign slogan, ‘An Army Of One.’ … I don’t want to say McCain’s campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store.” –Jay Leno

“John McCain’s communications director has quit. McCain did not have an immediate comment … because his communications director quit.” –Jay Leno

“As you may have heard, John McCain’s Straight Talk Express has hit some bumps in the road lately, and many of those bumps turned out to be former passengers. Last week, McCain’s strategists Terry Nelson and John Weaver left the campaign. Then, on Monday, the senator lost communications director Brian Jones and deputies Matt Paul and Danny Diaz. I believe the McCain campaign now consists of the senator, his wife, and this guy they picked up hitch-hiking. Which is why, regrettably, I must formally announce that I, too, am leaving the McCain campaign. … This is a decision made all the more difficult by the fact I never worked for the McCain campaign.” –Stephen Colbert

“The people who want his job were in Simi Valley last night for the big first Republican debate. Ten of them got on the stage. … Chris Matthews was the host and asked the question, ‘Raise your hand if you do not believe in evolution.’ Three of these clowns raised their hands. Actually, four. But McCain just had to use the potty. … McCain said he not only believes in evolution, he remembers it.” –Bill Maher

“Senator John McCain moved to re-energize his presidential campaign with a speech to those for whom his politics are very personal — the last uniformed Americans not deployed in Iraq, the cadets at the Virginia Military Institute. … How committed is Senator McCain? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I would rather lose a campaign than a war.'] … Luckily for Senator McCain, he might not have to choose.” –Jon Stewart

“You heard about the big John McCain gaffe. He was on the David Letterman show announcing his presidential campaign, and he pulled a Joe Biden. … He used the word ‘wasted’ to describe the lives lost in Iraq. Next day, he said he should have used the word ‘sacrifice’. But to put it into perspective, when McCain was a prisoner in Vietnam, George Bush was wasted. Sorry, I meant to say he was sacrificing brain cells.” –Bill Maher

“President Bush announced he has decided to visit Vietnam. The president said ‘It must be a pretty nice place. I hear John McCain spent five years there.’” –Conan O’Brien

“Big news from the 2008 presidential campaign. Last night, Senator John McCain — right here on this program — announced he’s running for president. And then today, he shaved his head and checked into rehab.” –David Letterman

“President Bush said he will visit Vietnam next year. … He told the prime minister that he is anxious to stay at that Hanoi Hilton that John McCain is always talking about.” –Jay Leno

“Yesterday at a political rally, Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger called John McCain ‘a great senator and a very good friend.’ Apparently, Arnold likes McCain because it’s so much easier to pronounce than Giuliani.” –Conan O’Brien

“John Kerry said I can’t tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team, especially after John McCain turned me down.” –Jay Leno