Early one morning during the Presidential Campaign, John McCain heard a knock on his front door. He opened the door to find a high-school-age girl wearing a “Vote for McCain” t-shirt.

“I saw you on TV last night, debating with the other candidates,” she said.

McCain nodded. “The other candidates say I’m too old,” he said. “They say I’m losing my memory and that I won’t be able to remember the names of foreign leaders if I’m elected. But I’m going to prove them wrong.”

“Good,” said the girl.

“Now tell me, young lady,” said McCain, “what is your name?”

The girl looked confused. “It’s ME, Grandpa.”

***

This week, at a McCain rally, conservative Bill Cunningham used Barack Obama’s middle name, calling him “Barack Hussein Obama.” McCain criticized Cunningham and publicly apologized for the use of Obama’s middle name. To conservatives, it is a mystery why Cunningham’s remark warranted an apology. But then John Hitler McCain is a mysterious man.

***

One night, after a televised debate, John McCain and Barack Obama ran into each other backstage.

“You know, John,” said Obama, “out there in the debates you and I are damaging each other’s reputation. Why don’t we settle this contest like men? You and I will have our own private competition, and then whoever loses will endorse the other candidate.”

“What type of competition do you have in mind?” asked McCain.

“A game of basketball,” said Obama.

“No way,” said McCain with a grin. “You’re a foot taller than me — it wouldn’t be fair.”

“O.K.,” said Obama. “Then how about a foot race?”

“No, that’s not fair either,” said McCain. “I’m twenty years older than you, and I don’t have much endurance left.”

“Well what would you propose?” asked Obama.

“How about a speed-talking contest?” said McCain. “We’ll both be given a speech, and whoever reads it fastest wins.”

“No, that’s not fair to me,” said Obama. “I can only talk out of one side of my mouth.”