One time this blonde girl was at a vending machine.
She would stick a quarter in, push the button, and a soda would come out and she would put it on the top.
She did this a few more times before a man asked why she kept doing this, and she said, “Because I’m winning.”

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”

The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”

The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”

The first says, “That?s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.”

The penalty for jumping off a building is death.

Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M.

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking “at a woman in that way.” A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a “pair of horse-blinders” wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.

A person may not walk around on Sundays with an ice cream cone in his/her pocket.

While riding in an elevator, one must talk to no one, and fold his hands while looking toward the door.

A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone’s head for fun.

Carmel
A man can’t go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

Greene
During a concert, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks.

New York
You may not smoke within 100 feet of the entrance to a public building.

Citizens may not greet each other by “putting one’s thumb to the nose and wiggling the fingers”.

Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business.

It is illegal for a woman to be on the street wearing “body hugging clothing.”

Ocean City
It is illegal for men to go topless in the center of town.

It is illegal to eat in the street in residential neighborhoods, and the only beverage you can drink on the beach is water in a clear plastic bottle.

Staten Island
It is illegal for a father to call his son a “faggot” or “queer” in an effort to curb “girlie behavior.”

You may only water your lawn if the hose is held in your hand.

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

One day a brunnete was driving home from work, as she got out of the car she heard her blonde neighbor crying. “Oh my god what wrong?” the brunnete asked. “My mother just died!” said the blonde crying out. The brunette feeling sorry for the blonde comforted her for the whole day. The next day the brunette saw the blonde crying outside. “Now what the hell is wrong?!” said the brunette. “Ohh, it’s terrible…my sister called, and her mother died too!”