Unix
You shoot yourself in the foot.

DOS
You keep running up against the one-bullet barrier.

MS-Windows
The gun blows up in your hand.

Windows NT
The gun is so huge and unwieldy that you have to keep swapping it from one hand to the other.

OS/2
The gun and the bullet aren’t speaking to each other any more.

Mac Finder
It’s easy to shoot yourself in the foot — just point and shoot.

AIX
You can shoot yourself in the foot with either a .38 or a .45.

IRIX
The Terminator shoots you in the foot. A T-Rex bites your other foot.

SVR4
The gun isn’t compatible with your foot.

Minix
You learn how to shoot yourself in the foot with a Saturday Night Special.

Linux
Generous programmers from around the world all join forces to help you shoot yourself in the foot for free.

HURD
You’ll be able to shoot yourself in the foot Real Soon Now.

VM/CMS
IBM shoots you in the foot.

VMS
FOOT ambiguous: supply more toes.

AMIGA-DOS
The gun works pretty well, except that few people use one and it’s impossible to find bullets.

Mach
The bullets work pretty well, but they don’t make guns for it any more.

Cray
You shoot yourself in the foot with an Uzi.

MasPar
You shoot all of your friends’ feet simultaneously.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.”

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

She says, “Why, officer?”

“Well, your breast is hanging out.”

She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”

A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.

He’d been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.

He threw Colonel’s and General’s names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy’s condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO’s of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.

Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, “Can I help you sergeant?”

The TSGT said, “Yes sir, I’m here to activate your phone lines.”

December 18, 1992

Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought he could catch the culprits in the act.

The burglars came back and were captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff.

Among the items the burglars took from Schmidt’s house was a box containing eight marijuana plants.

Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.

Top Ten Things Samuel L. Jackson Should Have Said in the Star Wars Prequel

Note: In case you didn’t know, Samuel L. Jackson was in the first prequel as “Jedi Master Mace Windu”

10. You don’t need to see my goddamn identification, ’cause these ain’t the motherfuckin’ droids you’re looking for.

9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I’ll never know, ’cause I’d never touch the filthy motherfucker.

8. This is your father’s lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively, have to kill every motherfuckin’ stormtrooper in the room … accept no substitutes.

7. If Obi-Wan ain’t home then I don’t know what the fuck we’re gonna do. I ain’t got no other connections on Tatooine.

6. Feel the Force, Motherfucker.

5. ‘What’ ain’t no planet I’ve ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on ‘What’?

4. You sendin’ the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that’s all you had to say!

3. Yeah, Chewie’s got a hair problem. What the brother gonna do? He’s a Wookie.

2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch? Then why are you tryin’ to fuck him like one?

1. Hand me my lightsaber… it’s the one that says, ‘Bad Ass Mother Fucker.’