January 12, 1993

Richard Kyle won his Arizona House seat in November more easily than he had won the Republican primary in September. He and his primary opponent, John Gaylord, had tied and had agreed to settle things with one hand of five-card stud dealt by the speaker of the Arizona House.

Kyle’s pair of sevens put him into the general election.

Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”

When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”

Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.

Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class. The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.” The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.”

The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class. The attendants are flabbergasted, “What did you say to her?” “I just told her that this section of the plane doesn’t go to California.”

Children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes.

Taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts.

Affiliation with the Communist party is illegal.

No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

Bullets may not be used as currency.

Alcoholic drink specials are illegal.

Massachusetts liquor stores can only open on Sundays if they are in Berkshire, Essex, Franklin, Middlesex or Worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the Vermont or New Hampshire borders.

It’s illegal to drive Texan, Mexican, Cherokee, or Indian cattle on a public road. (MGL Chapter 129 Section 35)

Tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder.

Hunting on Sundays is prohibited.

It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.

At a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches.

Public boxing matches are outlawed.

It is unlawful to injure a football goal post, doing so is punishable by a $200 fine.

It’s illegal to keep a mule on the second floor of a building not in a city unless there are 2 exits. (MGL Chapter 272 section 86)

It’s illegal to sell fewer than 24 ducklings at a time before May 1, or to sell rabbits, chicks, or ducklings that have been painted a different color. (MGL Chapter 272 Section 80D)

It’s illegal to allow someone to use stilts while working on the construction of a building. (MGL Chapter 149 Section 129B)

Defacing a milk carton is punishable by a $10 fine.

It is illegal to frighten a pigeon.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday. (Repealed)

Tattooing and body piercing is illegal. (Repealed October 2000)

Quakers and witches are banned.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

It is illegal to reproach Jesus Christ or the holy ghost. (MGL Chapter 272 section 36)

Boston
No one may take a bath without a prescription.

It is illegal for any citizen to own more than three dogs.

An old law prohibits the taking of baths on Sunday.

Duels to the death permitted on the common on Sundays provided that the Governor is present.

Women may not wear heels over 3 inches in length while on the common.

Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at any time except Sundays.

No more than two baths may be taken within the confines of the city.

No one may cross the Boston Common without carrying a shotgun in case of bears.

It is illegal to play the fiddle.

Two people may not kiss in front of a church.

It is illegal to eat peanuts in church.

Burlington
You may not walk around with a “drink”.

Cambridge
It is illegal to shake carpets in the street, or to throw orange peels on the sidewalk (section 12.16.100).

It costs $50 extra for a permit for hurling, soccer or Gaelic football games in a public park on a Sunday. (section 12.20.030)

Hingham
You may not have colored lights on your house if it can be seen from Main Street. Only white lights may be visible.

If you live on Main Street and want to paint your house, the colors must be approved by the historical society.

Hopkinton
Though horses and cows are allowed on the common, dogs are prohibited.

Longmeadow
It is illegal for two men to carry a bathtub across the town green.

Marlboro
One may not detonate a nuclear device in the city.

Silly string is illegal in the city limits.

It is illegal for any citizen to own more than two dogs.

It is illegal to buy, sell or possess a squirt gun.

Milford
Peeping in the windows of automobiles is forbidden.

Newton
All families must be given a hog from the town’s mayor.

North Andover
An ordinance prohibits the use of space guns.

Woburn
In bars, it is actually illegal to “walk around” with a beer in your hand. (Repealed)

Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time

You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs

If there’s a war you can surrender really early

You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.

You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries

You can be ugly and still become a famous film star

Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride

People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not