This is how Army policy all begins…

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

“Because that’s the way it’s always been around here.”

That’s how Army policy begins…

Thistles may not grow in one’s yard.
Baltimore

No person who is a “tramp” or “vagrant” shall loiter in any park at any time. They define tramp as a person who roves for begging purposes and a vagrant as an idle person who is able-bodied living without labor. It’s a $50 fine. I guess the tramp would have to beg for the money to pay the fine. -Park Rule 6

It’s illegal to take a lion to the movies.

It’s illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits.

It is a violation of city code to sell chicks or ducklings to a minor within 1 week of the Easter holiday.

It is a park rule violation to be in a public park with a sleeveless shirt. $10 fine. This would include joggers that go shirtless. (1898)

Baltimore City
You may not curse inside the city limits.

Though you may spit on a city roadway, spitting on city sidewalks is prohibited.

Columbia
Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.

You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25′ satellite dish.

Ocean City
Eating while swimming in the ocean is prohibited.

A law from the early 1900′s prohibits men from going topless on the Boardwalk. (Repealed)

10. JRLA — Janet Reno Look-Alike

9. CWP — Cigar-Wielding President

8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB — Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

7. RHMI — Really Hip Macarena Instructor

6. HAWGSOH — Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor

5. STLSM — Show Tune-Loving Straight Male

4. SWFWHBTP — Single White Female Who Has Blown The President

3. EHWC — Extremely Hairy White Chick

2. WARSADAP — Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto And The Number One

1. WSUBFC — Will Screw Ugly Bastards For Cash

41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

42. When you can’t find someone in the government directory, call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call tech support. We love to hack.

44. When something’s the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn’t know jack shit about the problem.

45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

46. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.

47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech’s desk, exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: “YOU have a child?!?” We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: “Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?” That’s another one that cracks us up no end.

49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to the color printer. We get the black toner for free.

50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department. People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what’s going on.

51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don’t do weekends.

52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and ask a computer question. We don’t do dating; the reason why we have that horny look on our faces is because we’re discussing the new Intel processor.

53. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won’t be doing anything useful until the next major release.

54. When you can’t access some shared directory on your boss’s machine, just tell us that you’ve lost your X: drive. We know all that shit by heart.

55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to pick our brains while we’re taking a leak. We’re good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We’ll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.

57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We’ll find the jumper settings on the Internet.

58. We’re aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not doing anything. We’re confident that with the next service pack they’ll be able to dance the jig.

59. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It’s just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield. Again, this is just like real life: if you don’t like condoms, just don’t use them, that’s all.

61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of those desktop enhancements that make your computer look just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold forbidding hexadecimal integer.

62. When you detect a French accent in a tech’s voice, switch to French. We don’t mind that your level of fluency is that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don’t make a whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.

63. We don’t really believe that you’re a bunch of ungrateful twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein, without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold? Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”

“What’s a license???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.

“It’s usually in your glove compartment.” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

“Yes.” replied the officer

“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher

“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.

“Here’s what you do.” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

“What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer……”