1. Don’t write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2. When a tech says he’s coming right over, go for coffee. It’s nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get into your mail because your computer won’t power on at all.

5. Don’t put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk. We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

6. When tech support sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing the public groups.

7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret out those clients who don’t have email or a telephone line.

9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

10. When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he’s out of town for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. After all, you’re entitled to common courtesy.

11. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer support. There’s electronics in it.

12. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your line from here.

13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We’re collectors.

14. When some calls with no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything in the Windows directory. It’s nothing but trouble anyway.

18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don’t call tech support. We’d much rather troubleshoot it when it’s dead as a doornail.

19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don’t actually mean for you to do anything. We just love to hear ourselves talk.

20. When a tech tells you that he’ll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That’ll get us going.

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who’s perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt, but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, “Someone should give him Head & Shoulders.”

To which the blonde replies, “How do you give Shoulders?”

Shotguns are required to be taken to church in the event of a Native American attack.

You may not step out of a plane in flight.

After January 14th you will be charged a fine for having your Christmas decorations still up.

Augusta
To stroll down the street playing a violin is against the law.

Portland
Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.

Top 10 Reasons Why Bossk Is The Coolest Bounty Hunter

10. His action figure kicks butt.

9. Two words: live lunch.

8. His ship, “The Hound’s Tooth,” has bitchin’ flame decals and fuzzy dice.

7. It’s easier to give someone the middle finger since he’s only got three fingers.

6. He’s the only bounty hunter with built-in snakeskin.

5. His bloddshot eyes are from constant partying.

4. He’s nice to his mother.

3. He had the nerve to threaten an Imperial admiral on the Empire’s flagship.

2. He skins Wookiees. ‘Nuff said.

1. Can eat his own weight in Ewoks.

21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You’ll never again have to worry about people reading confidential files over your shoulder.

22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after it’s done.

23. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

24. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the building. One of them is bound to work.

25. Don’t learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy’s outta whack”.

26. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

27. If you’re taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for your all your co-workers. We’re grateful for the overtime money.

28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he’s checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate in the top drawer, too.

29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past noon, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

30. Don’t ever thank us. We’re getting paid for this.

31. If you’re an intern, feel free to bring in all your friends from college and have your Daddy complain to our boss when we won’t let them use the scanner. We had no friends when we were in college; that’s why we’re such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

32. When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed any new software on this computer, lie. It’s nothing’s wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech’s chair with no nbody’s business what you’ve got on your computer.

33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin, tell him you’ve never seen those before. We couldn’t tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local administrator’s password to “blowjob” and promptly forget it. We like installing NT.

35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn’t work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday, shove it into any slot on the front of your computer. We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

38. When you get a message saying “Are you sure?”, click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

40. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.