The Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced the identification of a new disease.

Tentatively named Acquired Paint Shop Pro Syndrome, the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a bacillus called staphloaibrush because of its brush-like shape. Under the microscope the bacillus is long and slender with a bristle like appendage at one end.

Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of words, such as , blade, image, fill, and talking about invisible friends such as Kittypoo, Luv2pnt,and Qeen etc. Additionally, symptoms include feverish trading and storing of filters, masks and plug-ins, and a ‘groaning Graphics folder.

The disease is especially dangerous because it cannot only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a tutorial or joining a graphics exchange group.

The CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent on an Internet Server called America Online cases have been found on other Servers around the globe.

Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present incurable.

The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair, ample supply of snack type treats, and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized.

This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and “can you handle it?” The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss’s positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.

She asks, “How much for the white dildo?”

He answers, “$35.”

She: “How much for the black one?”

He: “$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one.”

She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?”

He: “$35.”

She: “How much for the white one?”

He: “$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one.”

She: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?”

He: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”

She: “Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?”

He: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you $165.”

She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?” To which the salesman responded, “I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!”

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

The longer the title the less important the job.

The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we’re done with it.

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it’s mineral rights.

The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering.

The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.

The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.

The more things change, the more they stay insane.

You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.

It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.

You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.

The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited. (Repealed)

It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.

No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.

Devon
It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

Guilford
Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.

Hartford
You aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands. You may not educate dogs. It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday.

New Britain
It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.

Southington
Silly string is banned.

Waterbury
It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.

Top 10 Reasons Anakin Skywalker Went to the Dark Side

1. Wanted cool voice like James Earl Jones’

2. Owed money to Jabba the Hutt, could refinance debt through the Empire

3. Wanted to use the Force to prop up Chrysler stock

4. Charmed by Emporer Palpatine’s seductive after-shave

5. Misunderstood name, thought the “Dirk Side” was fan club for pretty-boy actor Dirk Benedict

6. Kicked in head by bantha

7. To impress the babes

8. To escape cruel taunting over dorky name

9. Sick and tired of mentor Obi-Wan Kenobi reciting lines from “Bridge over the River Kwai”

10. Generous Dark Lords of the Sith pension plan