Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.

An Army brat was boasting about his father to a Navy brat.

“My dad is an engineer. He can do everything. Do you know the Alps?”

“Yes,” said the Navy brat.

“My dad has built them.”

Then the naval kid spoke: “And do you know the Dead Sea?”

“Yes.”

“It’s my dad who’s killed it!”

February 10, 1993

Dennis Payne, 30, was arrested as a pickpocket at a Jersey City, N.J., train station, his 135th arrest in New Jersey and New York City since 1978. Police said it took a computer more than a half-hour to print out Payne’s arrest record.

10. Playing high-stakes dodgeball with asteroids.

9. Seeing how bad things smell on the INSIDE.

8. Snowball fights.

7. Salvaging wreckage.

6. Watching your pee freeze before it hits the ground.

5. Pitching rocks into Space Slug’s cave; running away when he comes out.

4. Hunting Wampas with a bowcaster.

3. Tauntaun tipping.

2. Leaving.

1. Reminding yourself, “At least this is better than Dagobah.”

At a friend’s wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, “I was just trying to be a good ring bear.”