A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Arkansas must be pronounced “Arkansaw”

A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

Fayetteville
Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

It is illegal to kill “any living creature”.

It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

All of a sudden, she’s typing in a different font.

Instead of hearing that lovely “You’ve Got Mail” statement when you use America OnLine, you hear “You Just Got Dumped!”

Your connection to his server is constantly refused.

You get a Dear John E-mai…Your name is Fred.

They no longer have access to a computer due to a recent parole.

She starts ending each sentence with only 1 exclamation mark instead of the usual 3!!!

She tells you that she’s been working a lot. You think its a professional job; it turns out that she was responsible for the decorations at her Jr High prom!!

During an intimate moment in a chat room, she reveals herself to be GRANDMA!!

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22

Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.

English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of useless legislation.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.

He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend’s wife’s brother knows nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. — Ken Dodd

Husband: a man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.

I am in total control, but don’t tell my wife.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.

The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.

The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to…uhh…

The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The chaos in the universe always increases.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

February 17, 1993

In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.