A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.

The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!”

The English language is not to be spoken.

You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of “eavesdropping” on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.

Chicago
It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.

In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.

Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

Kites may not be flown within the city limits.

It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe’s neck.

Spitting is forbidden

It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

Champaign
One may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth.

Cicero
Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.

Crete
Cars may not be driven through the town.

Des Plaines
Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

Eureka
A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

Evanston
It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

Bowling is forbidden.

It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

Fairfield
It is unlawful for “negroes” to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.

Freeport
It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.

Galesburg
There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

Homer
It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.

Joliet
Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town’s name mispronounced ‘Jolly-ETTE’ when all local folk know it’s pronounced ‘Joe-lee-ETTE’, made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.

Kenilworth
A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow. Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.

Kirkland
Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland’s streets.

Moline
Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.

There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

Morton Grove
You may not own a handgun

Normal
It is against the law to make faces at dogs.

Orland Prak
No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.

Ottawa
Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.

Park Ridge
Trucks may only park inside closed garages.

Peoria
Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.

Zion
It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.

Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”

Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc.” them to your boss.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE..

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, “no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Sing along at the opera.

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn’t know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read “stop clean bathroom”.

You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.

There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.

When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.

Hunting camels is prohibited.

Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.

It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Glendale
Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Globe
Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Hayden
If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

Maricopa County
No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa
It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.

Mohave County
A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales
An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Prescott
No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

Tucson
Women may not wear pants.

Tombstone
It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.