All marriages are happy–it’s the living together afterward that causes all the problems.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.

Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn’t agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don’t love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.

May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.

Sign in a marriage counselor’s window: “Out to lunch – Think it over.”

The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards – only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. — Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

“How can I ever thank you?” gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles.

“My dear woman,” Darrow replied, “ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question.”

The “think positive” leader tends to listen to his subordinate’s premonitions only during the postmortems.

The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject’s true value.

The average man’s judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.

The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.

The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.

The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.

January 16, 1993

In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender.

On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.

In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football is.

ValueJet: When you just can’t wait for the world to come to you.

ValueJet: We’re Amtrak with wings.

Join our frequent near-miss program.

On flights, every section is a smoking section.

Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.

Are our jet engines too noisy? Don’t worry. We’ll turn them off.

Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

The kids will love our inflatable slides.

You think it’s so easy, get your own plane!

Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

ValueJet: We may be landing on your street.

ValueJet: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

Bring a bathing suit.

Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.

That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

Fly ValueJet. Find out there really is a God.

ValueJet: A real man lands where he wants to.