A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”

The general said, “Drive on!”

The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”

The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?”

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Incestous marriages are legal.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.

Anniston
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.

Jasper
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.

Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.

Mobile
It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.

It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.

Montgomery
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

The Top 10 Things You Should Not Say To A Security Guard When Caught Stealing Coins From A Mall Fountain

“Isn’t there a robbery at the Orange Julius you should be investigating?”

I’m searching for a hard to find 1998 nickel.”

“DUH!! The Gap is having a sale!”

“Did you know that it now costs 35 cents to make a phone call?”

“Thanks idiot…I had just made a wish that I could clean the fountain out and not get caught! Way to ruin that wish!!”

“Have you seen that really cool gumball machine in the food court? It rolls down a spiral ramp!”

“I’m at the last level of Mortal Kombat IV and I need another quarter.”

“I’m trying to match the exact amount of your worthless paycheck you Barney Fife wannabe!”

“See..I need a quarter to make a phone call to my Kleptomaniacs Anonymous sponsor and that’s why I’m stealing the quarters in the fountain. I NEED HELP MAN!!!”

“Ummmm…I’m looking for beer money?”

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. — Guitry

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. — Borge

Always talk to your wife while you’re making love… if there’s a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. — Socrates

Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.

Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. – James Anders Honeycutt

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.

Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.

Take this job and shove it.

Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology.

That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

The 5 P’s : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance