This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. — Groucho Marx

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. — H.L. Mencken

What’s new? Most of my wife.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Guitry

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can?t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer’s statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.

2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you’ll never do enough.

6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

8. The senior officer is Always Right.

9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; “I’ve got the latest model and it doesn’t have a space bar.” But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad’s head was spinning. “You don’t need to go any further,” he sighed, I don’t understand a thing.”

To cheer him up, the instructor said: “Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn’t even know where the space bar was!”

To scope out any single teachers for Daddy.

To learn that useful Algebra stuff that every McDonald’s manager uses daily.

No cable at home so the kids watch it at school and fill you in at dinner.

After the same damn episode of Barney 2500 times, its either send them to school or drop them off at the dump at the outskirts of town.

So someone else can deal with the psychotic little shits.

Not getting enough paste in their diet at home.

Easier to run escort service out of home when they’re not around.

To study hard, and learn the fine art of perfect English to the point of getting a college degree just so you can use it for writing Top 10 Lists!

To learn the fine art of seducing older, more powerful male role models in order to get what you want or to fly on Air Force One (M.Lewinsky only!).