Des Moines, Iowa:

A repentant burglar returned his loot to its owners, along with a note explaining why: “My priest said I done a wrong.”

More than $200, a pair of sunglasses and some golf balls were found Monday morning on the steps of Potthoff Foods Incorporated, a meat wholesaler.

“He took my sunglasses, but I didn’t know he took them until I got them back this morning,” sales representative Phil Barber said. “You know, I don’t think something like this happens that often. It’s sort of neat. The guy did wrong, but he tried to make it right.”

The break-in at Potthoff’s happened late Friday or early Saturday. The thief pried open a door and rummaged through some desks.

Potthoff officials said they’re not going to depend on the honesty of thieves’ nature in the future.

“We are adding an extra security system today,” Barber said.

The Top 10 Signs You Have A Bad History Teacher

Constantly gets Indonesia and Outdonesia confused.

As incentive for learning, when you name a state capital, you get to take a shot.

Insists that one of Popes during the Roman empire was Pope Bubba.

Thinks that Mussolini was Hitler’s favorite pasta.

Counts Puerto Rico, Mexico and Canada as “technically” U.S. States.

Tells you that its Napoleon that’s the ice cream that comes in 3 flavors in one box.

Insists that the Great Depression could have been stopped with the right amount of Lithium.

Threatens to renact Salem Witch Trials/Burnings if homework is not turned in on time.

Claims that it was Martin and Lewis that were the great explorers of the West.

Credits David Hasselhoff and not Democracy for the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Nuns: Women who marry God. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers. — W. Somerset Maugham

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they’re entitled to a little fun first.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

Spinster: A bachelor’s wife.

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives.

Question: Ted Kennedy: “Where was George?”
Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

China blames U.S. for second mid-air collision!

Beijing (Reuters) – Chinese officials have stated they are holding the United States,? Fully responsible” for today?s mid air collision, involving several Chinese aircraft and one American aircraft. This comes just weeks after a similar incident involving a U.S. spy plane.

Officials have stated that at approximately 8:46am, GMT, a squadron of F-8 fighters collided with the American Goodyear Blimp. The crash left over a dozen Chinese fighters downed and the blimps electronic billboard damaged.

A Chinese pilot who witnessed the collision involving his squadron, nicknamed “Panda Rash”, told China’s news agency that he saw the American blimp dive out of the clouds and onto wingman Thee Sum Yun Dork’s f-8 jet.

“I told Thee Dork his tail was all broken. Keep it straight. Keep it straight.” said the pilot “He could not shake the American foreign-devil” The blimp reportedly then veered left then right, taking out the rest of the squadron.

Pilot Chawp Sueey told Xinhua the American blimp ” Fully responsible for the incident” repeating the language Beijing had used in the earlier incident.

China blames this new accident on the Goodyear blimp, saying it rammed the supersonic fighters, and has demanded an apology.

Officials from the Goodyear Company have said it is unlikely that the slow propeller driven blimp could turn inside and ram a dozen nimble fighters unless the Chinese were testing chimp pilots.

“The direct cause of the collision was that the American blimp made a sudden big move toward the Chinese planes, making it impossible for the Chinese planes to get out of the way. The savage act of American blimps colliding with Chinese planes while conducting spying missions at sporting events makes us indignant” Chawp Sueey was quoted as saying.

Chinese officials are calling for an apology from the United States and enough Goodyear tires to replace the Firestone’s that experienced spontaneous combustion last year.

February 1, 1993

A survey of home burglars’ work preferences published in Whittle Communications’ Special Report magazine revealed that 32 percent like to browse through family photographs while on the job, 27 percent like to raid the refrigerator, and 7 percent watch TV.

Seventy percent of the 191 imprisoned burglars reported they like to limit their jobs to a 20-minute maximum, 17 percent wondered what their victims were like, and 59 percent said a dog in the home was the most effective burglary deterrent.