Real programmers don’t grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they don’t know any other language.

Real programmers don’t notch their desks for each completed service request.

Real programmers don’t number paragraph names consecutively.

Real programmers print only clean compiles.

Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to explain.

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Repetition does not establish validity.

Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.

Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Vuilleumier’s Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law – Any pre-cut equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law – If n electronic components are required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as “Selective Gravitational Field”) – Any tool escaping manipulator’s hands will not necessarily follow Earth’s gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy, in which case it will land on the manipulator’s foot. Fourth Law – When proteup first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law – Prototype npn blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law – A quartz oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law – When the prototype has been fully assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.

Cutler Webster’s Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.

Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do the work.

Weinberg’s Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Wethern’s Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

The Top Signs That You’ve Hired A Bad Private Eye

Considers reading “The Hardy Boys Mysteries” actually helpful reasearch.

He has a pet basset hound named “Flash” that acts as his trusty assistant.

His best disguise is wearing a hat.

Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.

Won’t read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.

Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from “Murder She Wrote” when he thinks he’s caught the suspect.

Well, he’s blind.

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honore de Balzac

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bundy

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren’t sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.