There was a man who said, “I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and then it was too late!”

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive. — Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. — Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. — Helen Rowland

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!” The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It?s my nut!”

The first squirrel said, “That?s not fair! I saw it first!”

“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute.” The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.” He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.”

Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I?ll take the meat.”

Schemmer’s Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.

Simmons’s Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.

SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won’t. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.

Thoreau’s Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program’s commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar “bug” in the system, the system is revised, the “bug” taken away, and you’re left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a program’s “user friendliness” invariable lead to work in improving user’s “computer literacy”. 4) That’s not a “bug”, that’s a feature!

Thyme’s Law: Everything goes wrong at once.

Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications, dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in exotic units, such as “tenth of troy once per barn” for pressures, or “acre times atmosphere per kilogram” for speeds.

Vail’s Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.

“This is my tryout for Nascar.”

“I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.”

“That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!”

“I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.”

“Cause those Gorditas rule.”

“Uh-Oh..Wapner’s on…I’m an excellent driver.”

“Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go.”

“Umm..I’m drunk?”

“Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette “Uninvited” song!”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”