Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn’t have a rifle.

“That’s no problem, son,” said the sergeant. “Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go ‘Bangety Bang Bang’.”

“But what about a bayonet, Sarge?” asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. “Here, use this… just go, ‘Stabity Stab Stab’.”

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom. Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

“Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit. The German keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate. “Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!” It’s no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says, “Tankety Tank Tank.”

Meade’s Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.

Mencken’s Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.

Muir’s Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Newlan’s Truism: An “acceptable” level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Nolan’s Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Nowlan’s Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

While your child is on his lap, he tells them they’re not getting his Bud Light.

You see his sleigh pulled over and the police with a breathlyzer.

Those darn milk and cookies never worked but the Jack Daniels does!

You don’t remember getting a request for venison in your stocking.

Betty Ford releases him on December 24th.

After each child, he has a Jello Shot.

This year the sleigh is being pulled by the Schlitz Malt Liquor Bull.

He jumps down a manhole and then gets angry when he can’t find the tree.

Instead of going Onward, Dancer and Prancer…he just grumbles and says “Awww…just get going!”

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.” The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

Oliver’s Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Orben’s Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.

Osborn’s Law: Variables won’t, constants aren’t.

Ozman’s Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something “without fail,” he won’t. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t. (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.

O’Reilly’s Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible

O’Toole’s Commentary On Murphy’s Law: Murphy was an optimist.

Parkinson’s Laws: First Law – Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. Second Law – Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law – The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Law of Committees – The amount of time spent by a committee on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law – If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Sixth Law – Action expands to fill the void created by human failure.