Gold’s Law: If the shoe fits, it’s ugly

Goldenstern’s Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.

Gordon’s First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

Gordon’s Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty expiration.

Gordon’s Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.

You can have a woman president without electing her

You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

You can call Budweiser beer

You can be a crook and still be president

If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything

If you can breathe you can get a gun

You can invent a new public holiday every year

You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”

You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.

You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, “I am a blind carpenter and I need a job.”

The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, “If you’re blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?”

The blind carpenter says, “I can tell any piece of lumber by it’s smell.”

The foreman says “O.K. I’ll give you a test and if you pass the test, you’ve got a job.”

The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, “I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is.”

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, “Ready!”

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says “That’s a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long.”

The foreman says, “Duh! That’s right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here’s another piece of lumber for you to identify.”

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, “Ready!”

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, “This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.”

The foreman does this and says “Ready!”

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, “That’s a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long.”

The foreman is amazed and says “That’s right, but I still think you’re just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job.”

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says, “Ready!”

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, “This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side.”

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, “Ready!”

The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, “I got it. That’s a shit house door off a tuna boat.”

He got the job.

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

“How much does it cost for engineer brain?”

“Three dollars an ounce.”

“How much does it cost for programmer brain?”

“Four dollars an ounce.”

“How much for lawyer brain?”

“$1,000 an ounce.”

“Why is lawyer brain so much more?”

“Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?”

Government’s Law: There is an exception to all laws.

Grabel’s Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.

Gray’s Law of Programming: ‘n+1′ trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as ‘n’ tasks.

Green’s Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Greener’s Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Grelb’s Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Gummidges’s Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public.