You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You call your son’s beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

You’ve printed this out and are reading it in the “library.”

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, “So? What did you do?”

“We just shut down two engines.”

Galbraith’s Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.

Gerrold’s Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally impossible.

Gilb’s Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Ginsberg’s Theorem: 1. You can’t win. 2. You can’t break even. 3. You can’t even quit the game.

Glib’s Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

Glyme’s Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Goebel’s Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s worth the effort.

Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.

Teeth removing Taffy

Metamucil in a straw

Ex-Lax Brownies

Caramel Covered Zucchini

Colored Crisco on a Stick

Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts

Chocolate Covered Prunes

A Handful of Red Man

Anything that ticks!

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, “Sir, what are you doing!?!”

The man turned toward the teller and said, “Oh, nothing – just looking around.”