Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.

Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.

Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Hugh Downs’ Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 – When confronted with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 – When all investigation supports Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 – Be prepared for an infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 – Apply Rule 1.

Drew’s Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Ducharme’s Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.

Ducharme’s Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Emersons’ Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.

Estridge’s Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.

Fett’s Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

There is also a joke about the last Mayday parade in the Soviet Union.

After the tanks and the troops and the planes and the missiles rolled by there came ten men dressed in black.

“Are they Spies?” Asked Gorby?

“They are economists,” replies the KGB director, “imagine the havoc they will wreak when we set them loose on the Americans”

Q: What is Helen Keller’s favorite color?
A1: Corduroy.
A2: Velcro.

Q. Why is all of Helen Keller’s face burnt?
A. She was bobbing for french fries.

Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: She answer the iron.

Q: How did she burn the other side of her face?
A: They called back.

Q: Why was Helen Keller’s leg wet?
A: Her dog was blind too.

Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A. she needs the other to moan with.

Q. How did she burn her fingers?
A. Reading the waffle iron

Q. What did she do when she fell down the well?
A. She screamed and screamed until her hands turned blue.

Q. How come she didn’t scream when she fell off the cliff?
A. She was wearing mittens

Q. Why does she wear skin tight pants?
A. So you can read her lips

Q. Why did Helen Keller’s dog commit suicide?
A. You would too if your name was ‘Urghrrghrghr’.

Q. Have you heard of the new Helen Keller doll?
A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.

Q. What’s this (slowly waving fingers)?
A. Helen Keller moaning

Q: Who is the cruelest man in the world?
A: The guy who raped Helen Keller, then cut off her hands so she couldn’t
scream for help.

Q: How come Helen Keller can’t have kids??
A: Because she’s DEAD!

Q. How did Helen Keller drive herself crazy?
A. Trying to read a stucco wall.

Q: What did HK’s parent’s do to punish her?
A1: Rearranged the furniture
A2: Left the plunger in the toilet bowl
A3: Put Saran Wrap on the toilet.
A4: Put her in a round room and told her there’s a penny in the corner
A5: Washed her hands out with soap
A6: Gave her bird-seed to read.
A7: Glued doorknobs to the walls

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive a car?
A1: She’s a woman.
A2: She’s dead.

Q: How did Helen Keller break her arm in the car?
A: Trying to read stop signs.

Q: How did HK get poke marks on her face?
A: Learning to eat with a fork.

Q: What’s the name of Helen Keller’s favorite book?
A: “Around the block in 80 Days”

Q: Define true love.
A: Hellen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing tennis.

Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.

Q: How did Helen Keller drive her car?
A: One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.

Q: How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
A: On a blind date!

Q: How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?
A: Answering the stapler.

Q: How did Helen Keller’s teachers punish her for talking in class?
A: They made her wear mittens.

Q: Why didn’t Helen Keller change her baby’s diaper?
A: So she could always find him.

Q: Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?
A: from whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear

Q: How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?
A: She shouted histerically.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.

Finagle’s Creed: Science is true. Don’t be misled by facts.

Finagle’s Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.

Finagle’s Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like kicking a 300-pound sponge.

Finagle’s Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Finagle’s Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you’ve been working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.