You can lead a horticulture, but you can’t make her think.

You can observe a lot just by watching.

You can’t expect to hit the jackpot if you don’t put a few nickles in the machine.

You can’t fall off the floor.

You can’t get here from there.

You can’t guard against the arbitrary.

You can’t outtalk a man who knows what he’s talking about.

You can’t push a rope.

You can’t tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.

You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

Dinosaur #1: “How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?”

Dinosaur #2: “What is an economist?”

Dinosaur #1: “A flunkie mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that’s not important and don’t ask what a Kangaroo is.”

Dinosaur #2: “I don’t know, how many?”

Dinosaur #1: “10 economists and one grad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one grad student to screw it on, and five economists trying to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.

God called a meeting of Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates and said: “I’ve given you all the tools you needed to make a better world – you’ve blown it and I’m ending the world in two weeks.”

Bill Clinton went on TV and said “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God exists. The bad news is that the world will end in two weeks.”

Boris Yeltsin called his advisors together and said “I have bad news and really bad news. The bad news is that God exists. The really bad news is that the world will end in two weeks.”

Bill Gates called his co-workers together and said “I have good news and really good news. The good news is that God thinks I am one of the three most powerful people in the world. The really good news is that we don’t have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.”

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can’t understand.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three–one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Entropy has us outnumbered.

Error is often more earnest than truth.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.

Even paranoids have enemies.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.