A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral.

The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. “Only a shilling?” said the Justice, “Only a shilling to bury an attorney?

Here’s a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them.”

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.”

“No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”

When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.

When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you’re you’re finished with, you will need it instantly.

When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.

When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or a hamster, with things about it that you’re dissatisfied with and anxious to fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping. This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better. You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without the almost risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn’t counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large systems you can’t do this without a very large computer. Even then, the safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch. Intervening is a way of causing trouble. – Lewis Thomas, from the essay “On Meddling” in the collection “The Medusa and the Snail”, The Viking Press, New York, 1979

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.

When you are sure you’re right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.

When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else’s.

Two government economists were returning home from a field meeting. As with all government travellers, they were assigned the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle.

They continued their discussion of the knotty problem that had been the subject of their meeting through takeoff and meal service until finally one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one economist remarked to the other that it was the first time an economic discussion ever kept anyone awake.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.” A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.” “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great, I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see’s him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.” The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”