If Oracle made toasters… They’d claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you’d discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Hewlett-Packard made toasters… They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

If IBM made toasters… They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Xerox made toasters… You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

If Radio Shack made toasters… The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

If Thinking Machines made toasters… You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

If Cray made toasters… They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

If The Rand Corporation made toasters… It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

If the NSA made toasters… Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

If Sony made toasters… The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

If Timex made toasters… They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

If Fisher Price made toasters… ‘Baby’s First Toaster’ would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

If Microsoft made toasters… Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn’t have to take the toaster, but you’d still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster’95 wouldweigh 15000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters… It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to “get lost” in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.

Diplomacy is the art of saying “nice doggy” until you find a large enough rock.

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.

Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling, but nobody notices.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

Don’t be so open minded that your brain falls out.

We all want progress, but if you’re on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. – C.S. Lewis

We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened when we are the most confused.

We don’t have the time or money to do it right, but we’ll have time and money to do it over again.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.

We’ll worry about that when we get there.

We’re making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

We’ve always done it that way!

Wet manure is slippery. – OSHA discovery

Top economist Valentine’s Day cards

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Let’s raise housing starts together.

2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.

1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.