At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he’s too polite to say anything.

“When I tee off, ” the singer explains, “I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.”

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.
When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, “How about if we play for $100,000?”
Tiger insists he couldn’t possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, “OK, it’s your money… when do you want to play?”

Stevie replies, “I’ll play on any NIGHT you choose!”

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system -
“Will the gentleman on the lady’s tee please move back to the men’s tee”.
He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again – “Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!”

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled,
“Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady’s tee can hit his second shot”!

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded the pessimist. “Your dog can’t swim!”

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”

9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldn’t stop punching me!

2. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his ass kicked all over the ring”

1. He ran out of gum

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, “Father during the week I said the F-word.”

The priest says, “Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary’s and your sins will be forgiven.”

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

“Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church,” said the guy.

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied. “I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. “My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy said. “As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied. “As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.”

“Is that why you said the F-word?” the priest asked.

“No,” the guy replied. “The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.”

The priest said, “Don’t tell me – you missed the fucking putt!”