Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team’s woeful record:

“We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole – it holds very difficult memories for me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been horrible!

Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag Alice…

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The “Tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.

“So, how’d you break your leg?” She asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So how’d you break your arm?”

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any sleep the night before the big game. “I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on the door and screaming,” he recalled.

“That’s terrible,” said Williams. “How’d you ever get any sleep?”

“At five o’clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out,” replied Irvin.

A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to
find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a
cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.

“A magic potion” she replies.

“Well what does it for” he asks. “This potion will make anyone an
excellent golfer.”

At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is
agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his
sex life.

After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of
golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He
spends every possible moment of the next year playing golf at every
course he manage to get to and having a wonderful time of it. After
a year he finds himself back at the same course where he found the
witch. Out of curiosity he slices one into the woods so he can talk
to her.

“Well”, she asks, “How has your game been?” “Great! This has been
the best year of my life. I have played all over the country and
never lost a game.”

“And how about your sex life?” “Oh, not bad.”

“Really? This stuff can really ruin a guys sex life. Say, how many
times did you have sex last year?” “Hmmmm, it was three, no, four
times.”

“And you call that not bad?” “Not for a priest with a small parish.”