Estimated budget: 10$

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

“Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don’t think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cooter”

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Read More…

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, so he calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lie down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads them into his truck, drives them into the woods, has s*e*x with them all, brings them back and, exhausted, goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them to the woods again. He spends all day shagging them, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. “No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

Did you hear about the guy from Kentucky who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can’t touch it till she’s fourteen.
—

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator.

Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”

—

How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” and the person at the front desk says “go ahead.”

—

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kentucky to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

—

What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Kentucky? A documentary.

—

Where was the toothbrush invented? Kentucky. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

—

A Kentucky State trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I40. He said to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver said, “Bout what?”

—

Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

—

Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Kentucky burned down?
Yep. Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.

—

A new law recently passed in Kentucky: When a couple gets divorced, they can still brother and sister.

—

Two Kentuckians were walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one was carrying a sack. When they met, one said, “Hey, Tommy Ray, what’cha got in th’ bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens.”

“If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?”

“Shoot, ya guesses right and I’ll give you both of them.”

“OK. Ummmmm . . . five?”

—

What do a divorce in Kentucky, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer.

—

A guy from Kentucky came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here. My house is on fire!”
“OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?”
“Shucks, don’t you still have those big red trucks with lights?”

—

Why do folks in Kentucky go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more? ‘Cuz 17 and under not admitted.