“Twenty-Five Things It Took Me Over
50 Years To Learn” by Dave Barry

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible plot premises, it spits out, “THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT,” and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time they need an idea, the computer spits out, “SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” Then the next time, it spits out, “FOUR QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT.” And so on. We need to locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
* If the advertisement says “This is not your father’s Oldsmobile,” the advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other Oldsmobiles, appeals primarily to old farts like your father.
* If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
* If the advertisement strongly suggests that Nike shoes enable athletes to perform amazing feats, Nike wants you to disregard the fact that shoe brand is unrelated to athletic ability.
* If Budweiser runs an elaborate advertising campaign stressing the critical importance of a beer’s “born-on” date, Budweiser knows this factor has virtually nothing to do with how good a beer tastes.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

This information came over the internet some years ago. It purports to be the answers given by students in science exams around the world. It came with the comment that “it is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressure of time and grades?.” I was unable to trace the author, but as the work deserves wider dissemination, I present here the answers of most interest to a medical audience.

General:

“The body consists of three parts – the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, and u.”

Respiration:

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire”
“Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration.”

Cardiovascular:
“The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars.”

Gastrointestinal:
“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama.”

Dentistry:
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

Orthopaedics:
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on.”

Reproductive medicine:
“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”
“To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.”
“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

Haematology:
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

Eyes and nose:
“To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.”
“For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

First aid:
“For fainting: rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor.”
“For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”
“For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

The best blush to use is laughter: It puts roses in your cheeks and in your soul.
- Linda Knight

Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.
- Arnold Glasow
Laughter is the most healthful exertion.
- Christoph Wilhelm Hufeland
Laughter is part of the human survival kit.
- David Nathan
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
-Cummings
He who laughs, lasts.
-Victor Borge
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Edison
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke
-Unknown
Laughter is the language of the Gods
- Russ Dudley.
Friendship: a building contract you sign with laughter and break with tears
- Unknown
Those who don’t know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either.
-Unknown
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself for he shall never cease to be entertained.
-Lord Chesterfield (1694-1773).
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
- Oscar Wilde
If taking vitamins doesn’t keep you healthy enough, try more laughter: The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed.
- Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort
Nothing can confound a wise man more than laughter from a dunce.
- Lord Byron
Of all days, the day on which one has not laughed is the one most surely wasted. Sébastien
- Roch Nicolas de Chamfort
If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love
- Maya Angelou
While the laughter of joy is in full harmony with our deeper life, the laughter of amusement should be kept apart from it. The danger is too great of thus learning to look at solemn things in a spirit of mockery, and to seek in them opportunities for exercising wit.
-Lewis Carroll
Seven days without laughter makes one weak
- Joel Goodman
Always leave them laughing when you say goodbye
- Lessing.
A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market
- George M. Cohan
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people
- Victor Borge
Laughter is an instant vacation
- Milton Berle
Laughter is by definition healthy.
- Poole
He who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.
-Sir Peter Ustinov (1921- ).
He who can laugh at himself will always be entertained.
- Steve Martin
At the height of laughter, the universe is flung into a kaleidoscope of new possibilities.
- Jean Houston
One can never speak enough of the virtues, the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
- Francoise Sagan
In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal and so ill bred as audible laughter
- Buddhist Proverb
I always knew I would look back on my tears and laugh, but I never knew I would look back at my laughter and cry
-John Powell.
We love a joke that hands us a pat on the back while it kicks the other fellow downstairs.
-Lamb.
There is nothing in which people more betray their character than in what they laugh at.
- Goethe
No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad.
- Thomas Carlyle
One can know a man from his laugh, and if you like a man’s laugh before you know anything of him, you may confidently say that he is a good man.
-Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
There is a kind of laughter that sickens the soul. Laughter when it is out of control: when it screams and stamps its feet, and sets the bells jangling in the next town. Laughter in all its ignorance and cruelty. Laughter with the seed of Satan in it. It tramples upon shrines; the belly – roarer. It roars, it yells, it is delirious: and yet it is as cold as ice. It has no humor. It is naked noise and naked malice.
- Mervyn Peake

1. “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.’”
Robin Greenspan

2. “After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.”
Larry Brown.
3. “The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.”
Paul Dean.
4. “If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.”
Dr WC Heuper (1954)
5. “As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients’, but the another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’”
Dick Wilson.
6. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Walter Matthau.
7. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.”
Joan Rivers.
8. “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.”
Groucho Marx.
9. “For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect.”
Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)
10. “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.”
Samuel Goldwyn.
11. “I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.”
Jeffrey Bernard
12. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
Steve Martin.
13. “No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
Kin Hubbard.
14. “There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines!”
Bob Goddard.
15. “The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.”
John Chiene
16. “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Groucho Marx
17. “A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.”
Merv Stockwood.
18. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”
Jerry Vale
19. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Spike Milligan
20. “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.”
Voltaire

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.