One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.

“Mr. Phillard,” the doctor said, “you are in the recovery room. Don’t worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids.”

“What! My brother, the idiot! I can’t believe you let him! What did he name them?”

“He named your daughter Denise.”

“Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?”

“He named your son Denephew.”

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

The nurse asks him,”Charlie what are you doing?” And Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago” Great,” replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, “Bob what are you doing!” Bob says… “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months

together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going

to be a mother.”

“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it was

impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”

“I’ll be darned,” she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked

down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a

rage, she dialed her husband.

“Hello” she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, “You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, “Who’s

calling please?.”

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, ” Marsha you’re 34 years old, you’re beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?”

“Because he is the First man that ever said to me…. SPIT, don’t SWALLOW.”