A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…”

“But how the heck did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.

“How do you think I called you people?”

One day, John’s tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor’s office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he’d have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

“So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?” the doctor said.

“The nurse must have told you,” said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

“No. It was in your urinalysis.” and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn’t believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.

Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

The doctor looked at him and said, “I’ve got some bad news, smartass. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife’s got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don’t stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!”

A woman goes to her doctor and says that she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret, as she is embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

“Don’t worry,” he says. “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”

“Who is the third rose from?” asked the woman.

“Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. “Step aside, lady,” he barked. “I’ve taken a course in first-aid!”

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. “Pardon me,” she said. “But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m right here.”

A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after being wounded in battle.

Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. “So tell me Doc, what did you do to me?”

The doctor says, “Son, we have some good news and some bad news.”

“Yeah, what?” replies the patient.

“Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts.”

“Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?”

“We put them under your pillow!”