1. “Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It’s like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: ‘Because of my mother.’”
Robin Greenspan

2. “After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, ‘Maybe life isn’t for everyone’.”
Larry Brown.
3. “The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable.”
Paul Dean.
4. “If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one.”
Dr WC Heuper (1954)
5. “As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, ‘Relax, you’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients’, but the another kept reminding me, ‘Howard, you are a veterinarian!’”
Dick Wilson.
6. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”
Walter Matthau.
7. “A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.”
Joan Rivers.
8. “She got her looks from her father: He’s a plastic surgeon.”
Groucho Marx.
9. “For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect.”
Dr Ian MacDonald (1963)
10. “Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined.”
Samuel Goldwyn.
11. “I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn’t diagnose a decapitation.”
Jeffrey Bernard
12. “First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”
Steve Martin.
13. “No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.”
Kin Hubbard.
14. “There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines!”
Bob Goddard.
15. “The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.”
John Chiene
16. “I’m not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.”
Groucho Marx
17. “A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience.”
Merv Stockwood.
18. “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.”
Jerry Vale
19. “I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.”
Spike Milligan
20. “The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure.”
Voltaire

There was this man from Cape Horn,
He wished he had never been born,
He would not have been,
Had his father seen
That the tip of his Nirodh was torn.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day, the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Read More…

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour,
surgical procedure. A young blonde student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my
testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, Read More…

There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.

She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.

She asked Dr. Chang, “Doctor, please help me find out what’s wrong with me!”

So Dr. Chang said, “Take off all yu cwothes.” So she did. Then he said, “Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.” So the young lady did.

Dr. Chang looked at her said, “I know what wong with yu… Yu got weal bad case of Zachary disease!”

The lady asked, “What the heck is that?!”

Dr. Chang replied, “Dat’s wen yu face lok zachary like yur butt”!