If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…?” Bill Clinton replied, “No. Some begin with ‘After I’m elected…’”

President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It’s called “Welcome Back Carter”.

Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary’s hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?

If the Clinton’s divorce before 1996, who will get the house?

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied “I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The money clip of the 90′s will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

Bill Clinton’s 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a “yes man” when he is really a “yes ma’am.”

The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.

Isn’t putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, “Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else.”

Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton must be telling lies.

1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?

Acute: Opposite of an ugly

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do to dead patients

Benign: What you are after you’re eight.

Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U

Cat scan: Searching for a kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome

Colic: A sheep dog

Concussion: A prisoner’s sofa

Congenital: To be friendly

D & C: Where the White House is

Dilate: To live too long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker

Fibula: A small lie

GI series: A soldier ball game

Hangnail: A coat hook

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Jaundice: To include in a group

Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives

Labor pain: Getting hurt at work

Leper: A wild cat

Malaria: Shopping place

Medical staff: A doctor’s cane

Morbid: A higher bid

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: Was aware of

Outpatient: A person who fainted

Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.

Rectum: It almost killed him

Rheumatic: Amorous

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: A Roman emperor

Serology: Study of English Knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport

Tumor: More than one

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose: Nearby

Vein: Conceited

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It’s irrelevant; they still don’t know they’re in the dark!

Q: What’s the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.

Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.

Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill’s speaking engagements?
A: So you can’t see her adam’s apple move as he speaks.

Q: What’s Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you’ve paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your family–you’re happy.

Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK’s assassination?
A: He couldn’t have been shot in the temple! We’re not Jewish!

Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.

Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn’t have enough friends left to make a calling circle.

Q: What’s the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken who smoked pot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.

Q: What’s the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he’d been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it’s ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.

Q: What’s Bill Clinton’s least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.

Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It’s a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.

Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries’ Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!

Q: What’s a word for Clintons ’92 campaign
A: A snow job.

Q: What will you get if Clinton’s health bill passes?
A: No Job.