Somewhere in America, next week…

Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk. Son: What’s up, Dad?

Dad: There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Son: I don’t believe, if I understand the definition of “scratch the car”, that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Well, it wasn’t there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch? Son: Well, as I’ve said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I’ll ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car? Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove I scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did “I” scratch the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn’t drive the car into the mailbox? Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.

Dad: So you are then saying that you did hit the mailbox? Son: No sir, that’s not my statement. I’ll refer you back to my original statement that I did not scratch the car.

Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched as a result of this contact? Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.

Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch car? Son: No. No, that’s not correct. Your question was “Did I scratch the car?”. From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning of that sentence, I did not scratch the car… the mailbox did… I was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of “No” when you asked “Did I scratch the car” was legally correct, although I did not volunteer information.

Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot? Son: From The President of the United States.

Great Thinkers of Our Time?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live
forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live
forever.”
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that
but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
– Mariah Carey

“Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
– Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show, August 22

“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.”
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part
of your life.”
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country.”
– Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

“We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
– Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We
are the president.”
– Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

“China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.”
– Former French President Charles De Gaulle

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass,
and I’m just the one to do it.”
– A congressional candidate in Texas

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

“I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.”
– John Wayne

“Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
– Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.”
– General William Westmoreland

“It’s like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.”
– Rev. Jesse Jackson

“I don’t know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except
maybe everyone else in America.”
– President William Jefferson Clinton

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

“If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.”
– Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again…

What will Bill Clinton be known for in history? The president after Bush!

What is Bill Clinton’s favorite web browser? Microsoft Intern Exploiter

It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in his
OWN pockets.